I look at most relationships in the real world through the lens of D/s. This goes for couples who have never heard of D/s to people’s pets.
Before I embraced the lifestyle and my Dominant self, I was in a long-term marriage. One that was highly abusive and in retrospect a non-consensual D/s relationship. It took me years to unpack it all but when I finally did; I realized I was the submissive and my ex-husband was the Dominant except that I didn’t have a choice. Everything I did was criticized and torn apart. If I wasn’t earning money to support him, then I’d better be cleaning the house for him or getting him off sexually. He never cleaned the house, not once in 20 years. He hardly even showered (maybe once a week after two days of begging from me). He rarely contributed to the household finances. And he almost never got me off. I can count on two hands how many orgasms he gave me in the two decades we were together. Sad? Yes! Worse than sad, it was horrible. And yet I stayed, far too young to know better. Until I finally realized what was happening, and left.
This was my first backwards look into non-consensual D/s. But in reality I had known it all along. I’d grown up with it. My father was Dominant over me and my mother. He made me kneel or lay face down at his feet, while he pointed and laughed. He screamed at my mother but he kept the corporeal punishment for me and he loved it. A true sadist, in the sickest sense of the word. He would laugh gleefully as he beat me, naked, splayed over his lap, night after night after night.
In his third marriage and my mother’s third long term relationship, they’ve continued the pattern. My mother is the Dominant in her relationship and my father and his wife fight for Dominance in theirs. Both relationships are extremely abusive with each couple calling their significant other’s horrible names.
My mother often says to her boyfriend, “you’re such an idiot. You can’t do anything right. You’re a waste of space.” And so on.
My father and his wife put each other down incessantly. Both couples do it in public, seemingly unaware of how uncomfortable other people feel around their constant outbursts.
Staying unconscious is easier. It’s uglier, and it’s detrimental to all but it’s easier than taking responsibility for your own shit and consciously choosing a different way of life. Thus my sister carried the torch. She is Dominant over her husband, also in a highly abusive manner. Screaming at him and calling him “useless” on a regular basis. One time my mother tried to intervene and her husband said, “no, it’s fine. I don’t mind.”
It took me years to understand. My mother’s partner and my sister’s husband are submissive men. But they don’t know how to be in healthy submissive relationships so they both picked domineering, abusive women. Do I think they’re actually happy? Not at all. But I do think they’re getting some type of fulfillment and I also know that it’s all unconscious. They probably can’t even face the truth of who they really are, let alone seek out a healthy Dominant FLR.
I have another friend who is happily married, knows nothing of kink but has told me that her husband is happy to take a back seat to her and let her lead. She doesn’t yell at him or abuse him but they both know she’s in charge! I call this an unconscious D/s relationship and they can be healthy.
The other day I was speaking with a sub and mentioned that I think cats are Doms/Dommes and dogs are subs. Because I can lay this context over pretty much everything and it will fit. What other wonders will we discover?…
Last week someone said something that rubbed me the wrong way. This in itself isn't unusual, it happens to all of us, all the time. But this time, it stuck with me and thus, earned a blog post.
The conversation began about exercise. He made some comment about working out in relation to older *women. I commented on the fact that so many women in our county exercise regardless of age. His next comment was: "Yes, I've noticed how many women here keep in shape and I realized it was to keep their men from looking at other women."
I had to refrain myself from lunging at his throat. Especially when he turned to me said, "don't you agree." HELL NO I DO NOT AGREE and I told him so.
Why is it perceived by some men that everything a woman does is to look good for them?
I think my response was something like, "Are you f-ing kidding me? Why would any woman care if her man looked at other women? That's not a motivating factor for staying in shape. We do it because it makes US feel good. We don't do it for men!"
His comment was pejorative, and patronizing. It was assuming and ignorant. I know he's not a bad person but he's disgustingly misinformed. I can only assume he was projecting as well. Maybe he's had a woman he was dating, ogle another man and it made him feel "less then".
I can also surmise that each woman's reason for getting and staying fit may be different as well, but to assume that ALL women do it to please a man and keep his eyes from wandering is disgusting, untrue and highly offensive.
An aside about the wandering eye. Many dominant men have such an affliction. The better ones learn to control it. To be ogled by a man in public does not feel good, to most women. To be objectified is to be compartmentalized, slapped into the sex box and seen as an object whose only benefit is to sexually gratify a man. Most bisexual women, non-binary, trans and lesbians do not do this. So if a man's eye wanders IMO, it has absolutely nothing to do with the woman (or man) he's with. It wanders because he hasn't learned to control himself and respect a woman's space. It doesn't matter whether his girlfriend or wife is thin or not, young and gorgeous or not, rich and successful or not. A man with a wandering eye has little insight into himself or how he is perceived by others. I've seen men ogle others while adorned with a gorgeous women propped on their arm.
This "issue" is about the male's character, not about the female's fitness regime or lack thereof.
*women is the term I'm using for all people who identify as female.
I went to my first slave/sub auction over the weekend! I didn't know what to expect but I didn't expect to love it as much as I did!
The slaves were displayed in the main room, each dressed up, or mostly naked and each holding a card with their likes, their pronouns and whether they were available for that night only or future play. They were all submissive, regardless of gender and non-binary status, though some identified as switches.
Female identified Domme's only paraded through the room, reading each sub's card and talking to them for a few minutes. There were over 40 subs and I got through 4 of them in the time allotted. I love to talk!
Everyone I spoke to was interesting, sexy and quite desireable. And while I've engaged in public play, it's not my favorite. I was clear that I wasn't looking for public play that evening but I still bought one slave and we exchanged information.
My "reason" for being there though was a second date with a potential LTR submissive. We met there but he wasn't allowed into the viewing room or the auction. He was observing as opposed to participating.
The auction ("fake" money only): not all the slaves were bought and the ones that weren't were given vouchers to engage in play with a house top later in the evening. Two slaves elicited a bidding war. One was offering a full body massage for that evening only and the other was gorgeous, but so were a lot of the slaves so I'm not sure exactly why she went for $10K but she did. Several Domme's bought several slaves. And there were so many to choose from. All sizes, shapes, ages, colors and levels of feminization or none at all.
I enjoyed standing around and watching the chattel much more than I thought I would.
We stayed after the auction for only a short time. I perused the dungeon but having seen it all before I've found I'm much less of a voyeur than I used to be. Eventually we headed for a coffee shop up the street to talk and eat.
All in all, it was a lovely evening, especially the conversations and eye candy. It is said that the brain is the largest erogenous zone!!
Since embarking on my full fledged femdom journey I’ve interviewed a myriad of potential submissives. I’m not interested in needy, annoying, disrespectful, nasty, sarcastic, abusive, bratty, manipulative, narcissistic, anyone who is broke and looking for a free ride, a substance abuser, a woman hater/mysoginist, someone who thinks they’re better than me, anyone who is controlling or passive aggressive. I shouldn’t have to cough up that list but unfortunately I do because I’ve encountered some of these.
At first I tried to be kind and say I wasn’t interested. Some respected my words, as not only a good submissive should but EVERYONE should! But others just got needier and more annoying. One continues to contact me, creating different FL profiles and continuing to send me emails which I ignore and block.
Another was so disrespectful when I met him in person that I told him I wasn’t interested but he couldn’t take no for an answer. That is abusive behavior! Again, I tried to be nice but firm. He took this to mean I wanted to keep talking to him. I didn’t. I finally gave him a rule and told him if he broke it, he would be blocked forever. He broke it quickly. I blocked him. He tried to reach me through every channel possible. I blocked him on every channel without responding. This is not endearing in any way. This is STALKING!
D/s aside - if someone says they’re not interested and don’t want to speak to you again - leave them the fuck alone!
Does this mean I’m no longer nice to potential submissives? It does not. I lay out my boundaries and if they break any of them, I’m done. I don’t have the time or the patience. I have numerous people contacting me daily and I have several submissive play partners that are amazing and keep me quite happy.
My first taste of the lifestyle was with a submissive almost 15 years ago. I wasn't ready to submerge myself at that time but I loved the exploration. We were on and off for many years. I experienced a new sense of freedom and excitement that exceeded my wildest dreams.
In the end I fell in love with him and he fell in love with someone else. It wasn't meant to be and I took my ravaged heart and moved on. What I didn't realize at that time is that I was play acting. I wasn't a true Domme, I was trying it on, like an ill-fitting outfit.
Years and two long term relationships chugged by but I never forgot my first sissy sub. There were a lot of things I adored about him. His kinks were hot, he was fun to hang out with, his intellect was just as sexy as the rest of him and he was and still is, the best cook I’ve ever known. After a brutal breakup in 2018, I contacted him again and he responded, available/ish and interested in another go around.
We had a six week contract and I jumped in this time with both feet. I read books, I got a mentor, I talked to quite a few other Domme’s and I followed my intuition.
What I discovered is that I’m good at it and I love it. I found out that I am a sadist, in the healthiest sense of the word. I am interested in all the ways I can make someone squirm and it turns me on immensely to do so.
My sissy sub and I embarked on a fun filled six weeks (fun for me = torture for him) but he wasn’t at the right place for anything more and it wasn’t the right time for either one of us. Instead we remain friends, for now.
Author: Rain Star
Mistress Rain began her writing career at a very early age. She's published almost a dozen novels (under a different pseudonym), has written for television and film and spends much of her time with her nose buried in the furry coat of her constant canine companion. The rest of her time is spent telling her stable of subs what they can do for her.