Findom - the right way and the wrong way

I’ve been reticent to write about findom, although I’ve wanted to address it for a long time.

I do not practice findom in the sense of having a submissive give me money for my rent or household expenses. My reasons for this are simply because it doesn’t feel right for me. However, I do not wish to judge those who do practice it on an ethical level. I was raised in an old-fashioned household where the man went to work all day and the woman stayed home and raised the children. I hated that outdated paradigm. It felt fundamentally wrong to me. From an early age I knew I never wanted to be financially dependent on anyone. I would earn my own way and I have.

One example of a findom relationship that works: I have a friend (not kinky or in a D/s relationship) who decided she did want a man to support her and she went on a transparent dating website. She found a doctor who wanted to give her money for dating him and for awhile it worked. What made it work, in my opinion, was the transparency. She told him up front that she needed financial help. She explained she wasn’t going to exchange sex for money but she was hoping to receive money for her time. They dated for a few months, during which time he happily paid her rent and more. She was attracted to him and they even tried a physical relationship which worked for awhile until it didn’t. But what stands out for me again, is the transparency. Both people understood their roles. They both said up front what they wanted and what they didn’t.

One example of a findom relationship that didn’t work: I know of another story, this one D/s where the sub desperately wanted to please his Mistress. They were in a long distance relationship and one of the ways he felt he could contribute was financially. This was his choice and it pleased both parties. However, the Mistress found out that the sub was giving her money he couldn’t afford to give. He was so enamored by her and wanted to please her so much that he ended up going into debt in order to do so. I’ve actually heard of this happening several times. This is one example of findom not working because of a submissive’s lack of transparency.

My update: I have a submissive sissy. We've been together off and on for twenty years. We're very good friends. He loves findom, it gets him off and he can afford it. When we first explored it together, 18 months ago, it didn't do anything for me. Recently we explored it again and it was really great for both of us. He bought me a hot fetish outfit that I'll wear for another submissive and tell him all about it. We spent several hours exploring our fantasies and past scenes that we had together, twenty years ago. And I loved it. I never thought I would but this particular person has taught me so much about myself. He encourages me to grow in ways I never thought I could, all while remaining completely submissive to me. So while I do not consider myself a FinDom, it works with him. I also realized that in order for it to work for me, I have to know and trust the submissive implicitly, which leads back to the need for transparency.

The worst example of bad findom: This one pisses me off the most. It’s is when the Top is not transparent. I have a sub who dated a Domme that was looking for a sugar daddy. Instead of communicating her desires up front, as any responsible Dominant (male or Female) should do, this woman was dishonest. She asked the sub out on a date. He suggested coffee. She suggested dinner. He agreed and, being submissive, let her pick the restaurant. She picked the most expensive restaurant in her county, without asking him if he felt comfortable with it, or discussing who would pay. She led him on. She used him. She played him. The poor submissive showed up and when the Mistress asked him if he drank, he said no. She then proceeded to order several of the most expensive drinks on the menu. After the dinner was over she expected him to pay. She did not ask him to pay, it was expected. There was zero communication around this. She even ordered another drink, on his tab, as they were leaving. This is despicable. I cannot think of many things that are more disrespectful than this. The poor sub didn’t know what hit him. He was upset over the interaction but he didn’t understand that she was using him, until I explained it. I spoke to several Domme’s and Mistresses about it and all of them were shocked by this woman’s behavior.

This is findom at its worst. This is flat out using someone. It’s taking advantage of a submissive’s good nature and it’s disgusting.
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So don’t be a sub that spends money they don’t have and don’t you dare be a Top that spends other people’s money without their prior consent!

~Rain Star

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