On Being a Sober Dominatrix
I’m clean and sober and I have been for almost 12 years. But what does this have to do with Topping? EVERYTHING! It has abso-fucking-lutely everything to do with who I am and how I Top. I wrote a cockstomping blog before this one but you’ll have to wait for that because this is currently on my mind.
Because I don’t drink or use, I’m never not “in my right mind”. I don’t have excuses and I don’t use made-up reasons for who or what I am. Not only am I clean and sober, I’m in several 12 step programs and have been in weekly therapy for almost 2 decades. I don’t say this to brag. I say this because I know why I am Dominant and if I choose to play mind games with a submissive, it’s planned and it’s also in good fun. I am not passive aggressive, I don’t have some fucked up agenda. Now maybe some bottoms are looking for that and that’s fine, but they’re not going to find it here.
I also think sobriety is important during BDSM play especially. There is always the possibility that someone can get hurt, temporarily or even permanently. Alcohol and drugs up that ante. Not only are inhibitions lowered while imbibing, but so is common sense. And, also of utmost importance, pain receptors are dulled. Combine this with the hormones that are released, for both the Dominant and the submissive and you have a potent cocktail that could lead to tragedy.
My sober journey was long and steep. I didn’t hit a bottom like so many of my friends did. I didn’t go to jail but I could have. I did everything wrong and illegal and screwed up. I got lucky. That said, my life was not rosey. It was a hellish nightmare. And yet, I’m truly grateful for those years. It taught me what I do and what I don’t want. My birth family are all active alcoholics. They are sick and abusive and nasty people. They play mind games, gaslight, physically and emotionally cripple one another and make up meaningless daily dramas. I watch from afar. Sometimes I can find humor in the situation, but most of the time I have to disconnect completely.
The reason I decided to blog about sobriety is because I get a lot of emails on Fet from people who use. They’re either super into alcohol or they’re super into pot. These are huge red flags for me. I can’t waste my time talking to active addicts, unless they’re asking for help. Why? Because I’m not talking to a person, I’m talking to their drugs. I didn’t even know who I truly was until I’d been clean and sober for several years and… I keep evolving but in a healthy way, not in a fucked up way. And yes I am told this by my trained therapist :)
Do I think there are true “normies” as they’re called in program? A normie is someone who can use but not to excess. They drink “normally”. Sure, I do think those people exist but in my experience, they’re rare. Most of the people I’ve met who call themselves normies “need a drink” when XYZ happens. “Needing a drink” is alcoholic speak. Most of these people have major personality changes when they’re drunk. This too is a pretty good indicator that you’re an alcoholic. Regardless, I have no desire to be around most people who are drinking. When I’m in a business setting I may have little choice but in my personal life I have every right.
So yeah, if you use drugs, alcohol or both to excess, don’t contact me unless you want to be pointed to a 12 step program or a treatment center. I am not interested in interacting with people’s addictions and quite frankly you have nothing to offer yourself so there’s no way in hell you have anything to offer me or society. Harsh words but true ones. If you want to get help, it’s out there, everywhere. My local kink club even offers 12 step meetings for addicts and I bet yours does too!
Here's the 20 question AA "quiz" to see if you qualify, you can substitute your drug of choice for the word alcohol. (ie: pot, adderall, valium, oxy, etc.)
I wish you only the best. Live to your fullest potential!
Long Distance Domination AKA: Being Dominated by your Mistress in Times of Covid
I’m not a long distance Domme, however this blog will cover just that. During this time of coronavirus/Covid-19, I spent a month in isolation without seeing my submissive face-to-face.
A couple of months ago I wanted to develop a rewards/punishments system for my primary submissive. I spoke with another Domme who uses colored marbles and while there are elements I like about this, it doesn’t work for me.
The positives about a physical reward system: They are always visible. The bottom can touch and play with them. They represent a further level of engagement.
The negatives about a physical reward system: If the Mistress and sub/slave don’t live together, they can only be in one person’s house. If they’re in the sub/slave’s house, the Mistress must trust them not to add more than they’ve earned and/or keep her own count separately. There is more room for error.
I chose a free app called “Our Home” and I love it. It works on android and iPhone (I have one platform and my sub has the other and it works seamlessly). The sub is given points for doing things the Mistress requires and they lose points for non-compliance - or anything else the Mistress deems negative.
After the sub earns a certain number of points he may exchange them for rewards. My sub’s main reward is masturbation. Since I control his little clitty and he arrived without proper training and a high sex drive, he was used to masturbating daily. When he became MINE, he is now allowed to come once a week, on his own without extra points. If he can accrue 250 points he may masturbate again.
Our Home has categories but I added new ones like “sex” and “service”. Before Covid isolation my sub had many opportunities to earn points. He could do service, like vacuum my house, do my dishes, make dinner and earn points. He also earned points by going on an hour hike with me, worshiping my body (which was a reward at first), giving me orgasms, etc. After Covid isolation I had to think of ways he could earn points while we weren’t together.
One of my most favorite things is chastity. If my sub wears his cage for a full day, he gains points. My other favorites are feminization, sissification and cross dressing. If my sub wears panties all day, he gains more points. Since he can no longer go to the gym, and he was a gym rat, he gains points for exercising on his own. And so on.
I added other rewards my sub could claim when we weren’t together but masturbation is his favorite, though he must ALWAYS ask permission prior to engaging in it.
There are plenty of other ways to Dominate a sub while remaining apart, both in rewards and punishments. With rewards there can be phone sex and video sex (use the Signal app for these as it’s encrypted). And, many couples like more micro-managing though I do not. If you’re one of those parties that does, there are other things to add. Some of these include: food choices, eating times, exercise choices and times, house cleaning or just picking up after oneself, specific books or articles to read, tv or movie watching (both specific ones or limiting), screens, video games, etc. The list is endless.
The most important thing is for the Mistress to have FUN with this and for the submissive to have to work hard for their rewards. Their punishments should make them miserable! I remove points whenever my submissive does anything I don’t like. For example he played an April Fool’s joke on me. I don’t like that. I docked him 25 points and when he came to see me after our 1 month isolation I gave him a large number of painful welts on his ass and inner thighs that he still had 2 days later 😈
This made ME very happy and that’s all that truly matters!
I also have recurring items set up… he HAS to wear his cage 1 day a week and he HAS to wear panties 2 days a week. If he fails, points are removed. If he wears either, more than his allotted time, points are added.
Set up your own systems, it’s very enjoyable and the limit is your imagination 😉
~ By Rain Star
Author: Rain Star
Mistress Rain began her writing career at a very early age. She's published almost a dozen novels (under a different pseudonym), has written for television and film and spends much of her time with her nose buried in the furry coat of her constant canine companion. The rest of her time is spent telling her stable of subs what they can do for her.