Collared and Owned in a Dominant and submissive (Ds) Relationship

Photo by Sonny Ravesteijn on Unsplash

A conversation I had a couple of weeks ago with another Domme threw me for a loop. She was asking about my last partner. She thought he was just a play partner. Why? Because he chose, when I was at a painful and terrifying time in my life, to push me away and not be emotionally (or physically) available, which in her opinion was not something a primary would do. In retrospect this was presumptuous on her part. Do any of us truly know how someone else will react in times of trauma? Nope, we don’t. I explained to this Domme that no, he was my primary partner and I owned him, my exact words. She responded with, “I don’t believe in ownership”. And I faltered… completely confused.

I want to say here that I think my Domme friend’s response was because of the word “own” as in — slavery. While there is a “slave” aspect in D/s it is ALWAYS GIVEN by choice. It is NEVER TAKEN against anyone’s will!

Ownership has always been my goal for a life-partner and all the other Domme’s I know (sans her) feel the same. Maybe she didn’t understand what ownership meant? If that’s the case, maybe there are others who also don’t? I explained that I owned his sex and his orgasms, which was true but ownership can be so much more than that.

Often a submissive partner will be under a signed contract and collared. With my last partner, I gave him a play collar but for our year anniversary I had a permanent collar made specifically for him. One that only I could remove, but our relationship ended before I could give it to him.
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There are many levels and the type of ownership is something that must be agreed upon by both the owner and the slave/submissive. With my sub, it was physical and revolved solely around sex. I owned his dick and his orgasms. He was not allowed to play with himself or orgasm without my permission. He had to ask whenever he wanted to come and he had to abide by my decision whether it was a yes or a no. Other types of ownership vary greatly.
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Side note: this is where the words Mistress and Master come from—ownership.

The most common form of ownership is actually derived from “devotion” — meaning the submissive belongs emotionally (and often physically) to their Top.

I was in a D/s relationship for close to a decade where I was the submissive and owned by my Top. I cannot explain the power of that. When he said, “you belong to me” I would completely melt. I did belong to him, mind, body and soul. This is what ownership, IMO, truly means. My relationship with this person did not start off as D/s and there wasn’t even a conversation about ownership, it was a natural progression and in my experience it was one of the deepest connections I’ve had to another person, in a sexual relationship. But that deep connection didn’t come from him, the Top, it came from ME, as the submissive. I’m not saying it’s that way in every D/s relationship, just for that particular one.
 
It truly fascinates me how two people can be in a long term intimate relationship and yet be completely disconnected but it happens all the time. From lack of communication? Maybe. I think it’s more from our inability to truly hear what our partner is saying. There’s a huge difference between listening and hearing. I often listen but don’t hear and then time goes by and I’m shocked that a friend acted a certain way or made a certain choice. But if I had listened, I would have seen and understood the reasons behind their eventual actions or decisions much earlier. It’s something I’m actively working on and it’s a skill.

In my experience it’s rare for two people to be connected to one another in the same amount. I am not even sure how to explain what I mean. When I was married, my husband used to say “the man has to love the woman a little bit more for it to work”, and while I don’t believe that’s true I do believe that one person is usually more committed than the other person. I don’t know why and I don’t like it. I wish it weren’t true and I’m sure there are a few cases where it’s not but I haven’t experienced them.

With ownership I think the sub can truly submit and commit to their Top. I surmise this is the beginning of a more equal (emotional) partnership. My subs are special to me. I cherish them. And in turn, I want to be cherished. 

There are as many different types of ownership, as one can imagine. If you own a D/s slave you can even register them and they will have a slave registration number. A lot of slaves look at this as a point of pride.

Some D-types have a stable of submissives and/or slaves which is quite common. All the s-types serve their Mistress/Master. Often a familial connection is formed, sometimes the group will live together. I knew a Domme who had this set-up but a problem for the s-type I knew that served her  was—he didn’t feel important in relation to her other submissives. While I think this type of relationship can work, I assume a lot more communication is needed on a regular basis.

As with everything in the kink community, try and see what works for you and your partner. If something doesn’t work, change it up. If something does work—yum!

​I’d love to hear about what IS working for you and partner. I’d also like to hear your thoughts on ownership.

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© by Rain Star

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