On Being a Sober Dominatrix
I’m clean and sober and I have been for almost 12 years. But what does this have to do with Topping? EVERYTHING! It has abso-fucking-lutely everything to do with who I am and how I Top. I wrote a cockstomping blog before this one but you’ll have to wait for that because this is currently on my mind.
Because I don’t drink or use, I’m never not “in my right mind”. I don’t have excuses and I don’t use made-up reasons for who or what I am. Not only am I clean and sober, I’m in several 12 step programs and have been in weekly therapy for almost 2 decades. I don’t say this to brag. I say this because I know why I am Dominant and if I choose to play mind games with a submissive, it’s planned and it’s also in good fun. I am not passive aggressive, I don’t have some fucked up agenda. Now maybe some bottoms are looking for that and that’s fine, but they’re not going to find it here.
I also think sobriety is important during BDSM play especially. There is always the possibility that someone can get hurt, temporarily or even permanently. Alcohol and drugs up that ante. Not only are inhibitions lowered while imbibing, but so is common sense. And, also of utmost importance, pain receptors are dulled. Combine this with the hormones that are released, for both the Dominant and the submissive and you have a potent cocktail that could lead to tragedy.
My sober journey was long and steep. I didn’t hit a bottom like so many of my friends did. I didn’t go to jail but I could have. I did everything wrong and illegal and screwed up. I got lucky. That said, my life was not rosey. It was a hellish nightmare. And yet, I’m truly grateful for those years. It taught me what I do and what I don’t want. My birth family are all active alcoholics. They are sick and abusive and nasty people. They play mind games, gaslight, physically and emotionally cripple one another and make up meaningless daily dramas. I watch from afar. Sometimes I can find humor in the situation, but most of the time I have to disconnect completely.
The reason I decided to blog about sobriety is because I get a lot of emails on Fet from people who use. They’re either super into alcohol or they’re super into pot. These are huge red flags for me. I can’t waste my time talking to active addicts, unless they’re asking for help. Why? Because I’m not talking to a person, I’m talking to their drugs. I didn’t even know who I truly was until I’d been clean and sober for several years and… I keep evolving but in a healthy way, not in a fucked up way. And yes I am told this by my trained therapist :)
Do I think there are true “normies” as they’re called in program? A normie is someone who can use but not to excess. They drink “normally”. Sure, I do think those people exist but in my experience, they’re rare. Most of the people I’ve met who call themselves normies “need a drink” when XYZ happens. “Needing a drink” is alcoholic speak. Most of these people have major personality changes when they’re drunk. This too is a pretty good indicator that you’re an alcoholic. Regardless, I have no desire to be around most people who are drinking. When I’m in a business setting I may have little choice but in my personal life I have every right.
So yeah, if you use drugs, alcohol or both to excess, don’t contact me unless you want to be pointed to a 12 step program or a treatment center. I am not interested in interacting with people’s addictions and quite frankly you have nothing to offer yourself so there’s no way in hell you have anything to offer me or society. Harsh words but true ones. If you want to get help, it’s out there, everywhere. My local kink club even offers 12 step meetings for addicts and I bet yours does too!
Here's the 20 question AA "quiz" to see if you qualify, you can substitute your drug of choice for the word alcohol. (ie: pot, adderall, valium, oxy, etc.)
I wish you only the best. Live to your fullest potential!
To Look or not to Look...
Last week someone said something that rubbed me the wrong way. This in itself isn't unusual, it happens to all of us, all the time. But this time, it stuck with me and thus, earned a blog post.
The conversation began about exercise. He made some comment about working out in relation to older *women. I commented on the fact that so many women in our county exercise regardless of age. His next comment was: "Yes, I've noticed how many women here keep in shape and I realized it was to keep their men from looking at other women."
I had to refrain myself from lunging at his throat. Especially when he turned to me said, "don't you agree." HELL NO I DO NOT AGREE and I told him so.
Why is it perceived by some men that everything a woman does is to look good for them?
I think my response was something like, "Are you f-ing kidding me? Why would any woman care if her man looked at other women? That's not a motivating factor for staying in shape. We do it because it makes US feel good. We don't do it for men!"
His comment was pejorative, and patronizing. It was assuming and ignorant. I know he's not a bad person but he's disgustingly misinformed. I can only assume he was projecting as well. Maybe he's had a woman he was dating, ogle another man and it made him feel "less then".
I can also surmise that each woman's reason for getting and staying fit may be different as well, but to assume that ALL women do it to please a man and keep his eyes from wandering is disgusting, untrue and highly offensive.
An aside about the wandering eye. Many dominant men have such an affliction. The better ones learn to control it. To be ogled by a man in public does not feel good, to most women. To be objectified is to be compartmentalized, slapped into the sex box and seen as an object whose only benefit is to sexually gratify a man. Most bisexual women, non-binary, trans and lesbians do not do this. So if a man's eye wanders IMO, it has absolutely nothing to do with the woman (or man) he's with. It wanders because he hasn't learned to control himself and respect a woman's space. It doesn't matter whether his girlfriend or wife is thin or not, young and gorgeous or not, rich and successful or not. A man with a wandering eye has little insight into himself or how he is perceived by others. I've seen men ogle others while adorned with a gorgeous women propped on their arm.
This "issue" is about the male's character, not about the female's fitness regime or lack thereof.
*women is the term I'm using for all people who identify as female.
No Means NO
Since embarking on my full fledged femdom journey I’ve interviewed a myriad of potential submissives. I’m not interested in needy, annoying, disrespectful, nasty, sarcastic, abusive, bratty, manipulative, narcissistic, anyone who is broke and looking for a free ride, a substance abuser, a woman hater/mysoginist, someone who thinks they’re better than me, anyone who is controlling or passive aggressive. I shouldn’t have to cough up that list but unfortunately I do because I’ve encountered some of these.
At first I tried to be kind and say I wasn’t interested. Some respected my words, as not only a good submissive should but EVERYONE should! But others just got needier and more annoying. One continues to contact me, creating different FL profiles and continuing to send me emails which I ignore and block.
Another was so disrespectful when I met him in person that I told him I wasn’t interested but he couldn’t take no for an answer. That is abusive behavior! Again, I tried to be nice but firm. He took this to mean I wanted to keep talking to him. I didn’t. I finally gave him a rule and told him if he broke it, he would be blocked forever. He broke it quickly. I blocked him. He tried to reach me through every channel possible. I blocked him on every channel without responding. This is not endearing in any way. This is STALKING!
D/s aside - if someone says they’re not interested and don’t want to speak to you again - leave them the fuck alone!
Does this mean I’m no longer nice to potential submissives? It does not. I lay out my boundaries and if they break any of them, I’m done. I don’t have the time or the patience. I have numerous people contacting me daily and I have several submissive play partners that are amazing and keep me quite happy.
Author: Rain Star
Mistress Rain began her writing career at a very early age. She's published almost a dozen novels (under a different pseudonym), has written for television and film and spends much of her time with her nose buried in the furry coat of her constant canine companion. The rest of her time is spent telling her stable of subs what they can do for her.