I was reading an article in the Atlantic last night about whether or not males and females could be platonic friends. This topic has incensed me for as long as I can remember and not only because it doesn't take non-binary gender identification into account but that is one aspect.
I've always had male friends. My best friend in 1st grade was a boy. My best friend now is a man. And no, I never fucked (or even kissed) my 1st grade BFF though I have fucked my current BFF but it was 15 years ago and we've been friends since without fucking!
When I was a teen my father told me that any guy who wanted to be my friend only wanted to fuck me. He told me that men are only interested in one thing and that any man who says he wants to be platonic friends with me is lying. Thankfully, even at that age, I knew my dad was an asshole and I didn't listen to him! But it stuck with me because I believe a lot of people think this way and I have a huge issue with it.
1. Who cares if the guy (or other) is in it for sex? That doesn't mean anyone (male or female or other) has to put out.
2. There are so many levels of attraction and intimacy - sex is but one.
My last "boyfriend", a disaster LTR from the get-go, was supremely jealous of my male BFF and all my other male friends. He was insecure and distrustful and every time I spent time with my BFF my ex would text incessantly and then pick huge fights with me. In the end I realized that men like him (and my father) are the exact men my father warned me about. It's not that all men want to fuck all women, it's that my dad and my ex-bf wanted to fuck all the women they were "friends" with. It was THEIR issue.
Obviously if someone I'm with is jealous of my male (or agender) friends, that's a huge red flag and not something I will ever put up with again. But can male and females be platonic friends without fucking? OF COURSE WE CAN!!!!! What a ridiculous question!!!!!
The Atlantic article uses movies as one example of how "difficult" it is, siting all the friends to lovers movies. That's because FTL is a TROPE!!!! It doesn't mean it's real life!!! Does it happen in RL, of course it does but both parties have to be invested in that outcome, attracted to each other and have a slew of other predilections.
All of that said (or preached) -- I freely admit that my BFF and I can be so close because we already fucked and got it out of the way. We knew we weren't good together - this has nothing to do with the actual sex and all to do with us as people. We tried, we failed. We are such fantastic friends that I'd never want to do anything to compromise that again and in my experience, sex compromises things. Plus he's not submissive - LOL. But he listens without judgment when I talk about anything and everything. He's the one I call at midnight when my dog is sick. He's the one I turn to when I'm sad and need a shoulder to sniffle on. He's everything a BFF should be and our relationship is 100% platonic.
He's not the only platonic male friend I have either. I have many (that I've never fucked) and they're all amazing, just as my platonic female friends are. Which brings me to another point. I'm pansexual but I don't fuck my platonic female, trans or non-binary friends either!
Thinking that m/f/o can't be "friends only" is disrespectful. The idea that we can't have friends we don't fuck is saying that no one has boundaries, no one can say no to sex, no one has morals, no one can control themselves. So go make friends with other genders and if anyone in your life has a problem with that, know it's their problem, not yours.
This is a blog post about what vanilla women think about submissives vs the truth.
I have found that most submissive's are quite chivalrous. One of my favorite Mistresses, Scarlet, has a great blog post called “Ladies - adopt the lifestyle” in which she explains that submissive men are not doormats. I completely agree and below is a real life example from last night.
When I talk to my vanilla female friends about dating submissive men, they all say the same thing. A submissive man could never make them feel safe. A submissive man could never protect them. A submissive man could never be an alpha. They could never be attracted to a submissive man could because they don't possess all of the qualities these women associate an alpha man of their fantasies. A man that doesn’t exist, in my opinion. These women have never dated a submissive. If they had, they would know that there ideals are poppycock. Their perceptions are unrealistic and false.
A submissive man does protect his partner. He protects her, keeps her safe, puts her needs first, and he serves her. A submissive man may very well look like an alpha in public. A doting, thoughtful alpha.
Here’s My real life example from last night…
I attended a circus show with a submissive I am currently dating. For the purposes of this blog, I’ll refer to him as My sissy slut, slut for short.
As a gentleman, slut opens doors for me, including the car door. He holds my bags, he lets me lead, he makes me dinner, he does the dishes, he dries me after my showers, he even wears my favorite colors. He is thoughtful and kind. While all of these qualities are to be expected, not everyone inhabits them, and I appreciate them for what they are, and for the effort he makes on my behalf.
At the circus show last night, the stage was smallish. Slut and I sat front row center. One of the acts was a performer on the Cyr wheel. If you want to see what that is, click here.
The wheel is large, metal, and quite intimidating. Early in the performance he dropped the wheel, picked it up and kept going. No harm, no foul. It happened again. The audience clapped for support. The performer was quite good but the stage was too small. He moved his wheel closer to the back of the stage, but during a fancy move, it caught on the backdrop, almost bringing the entire thing crashing down. He tore off bits of the hanging tinsel and eventually straightened the wheel and returned to his act. His compensation was to move the wheel closer to the edge of the stage, where the audience and I were. During parts of his performance he was riding the center of the wheel, twisting and turning as it spun. And at other parts he let go of the wheel where it traveled in a lazy circle around him until he reached out and caught it again.
After he moved closer to the front of the stage he let go of his wheel for a boomerang circle and it came precariously close to the edge. I exchanged furtive glances with the girl across the aisle, and we both placed our hands upon our hearts in a compensatory gesture. I leaned to the side and whispered in slut’s ear, "you will protect me, won't you?"
He whispered back, "I've got you.”
The moment did happen… The performer let go of the wheel, it spun, almost in slow motion around him and then it catapulted itself off the stage, and straight for our heads. In a split second, slut was on his feet, catching the huge wheel in mid-air and handing it back to the performer as though it was a rehearsed part of the show.
When he returned to his seat I whispered, “you’re My hero.”
At the end of the show the performer came and thanked him, and so did the stage manager. Slut saved, not only me, but the entire front row from what could have been a harrowing and dangerous disaster.
This is just one example of how a submissive male is even more of a fierce protector of his mate’s safety!
And yes, his chivalry was well rewarded.
~ Rain Star
I find ghosting a very interesting topic. Years ago my therapist said “no answer IS an answer” and I definitely agree. We had (and continue to have) conversations about people’s comfort levels when it comes to honesty and conflict. Many people are conflict averse and I understand that. As a woman who grew up in an unsafe environment, conflict was to be avoided at all costs. At a young age I was taught (through action) that conflict caused severe pain, often physical and often left scars that lasted a lifetime. Conflict is also emotionally jarring and most people don’t like to experience discomfort.
I used to tell people how I felt (in a way that wasn’t attacking) when I no longer wanted to speak to them and I assume most people have tried this tactic as well. Unfortunately it was often met with defensiveness and lashing out. Rarely did the person say, “I understand, your experiences are valid and I wish you the best.”
At this point in my life I mostly reserve ghosting for people I’ve never met in person. Usually it’s someone I’ve spoken to only over text. They’ll say something or present with a personality trait that is a show stopper for me. Nine times out of ten I’ll tell them I’m no longer interested, they’ll continue to contact me and I’ll ghost them. Most of the time I do give fair warning first but not always. In one case a person told me they no longer wanted to see me and then contacted me a month or two later and I didn’t respond because really, what was there to say?
Recently someone I had several dates with ghosted me and it really irked me, which is why I’m blogging about it. I thought things were progressing. I contemplated the D/s contract I would offer him, but there was something amiss. I sensed it early on and even brought it to his attention. He asked me to give him a chance. I did and then I was ghosted. I think the ghosting in itself wouldn’t be that big of a deal if this wasn’t the 3rd submissive that’s done something similar to me in less than a year.
Here I have to back up and intend to write another blog about this subject but I’ll touch on it here as it’s important to the story.
I’m not looking for any more play partners, I have plenty. What I am looking for is a submissive LTR to be my primary. I’m up front with my wants and desires. When I date/interview new subs for this position I don’t offer intimacy or play. I prefer to get to know someone first. For play partners it’s different.
I always tell potential LTR subs that I move slowly, because I do. Part of it is definitely a test. If they’re only looking for sex or sexual satisfaction, they can move on. I’m looking for a deeper connection to fulfill this role. Plus, I’m picky and intolerant of bullsh*t. When I started this particular journey last January 2019, there were several subs that were only looking for sex because as soon as I removed that from the table, they were gone.
A more recent one stated he understood my requirements and also moved slowly. We went on several dates and then he was gone. On the last date he told me about his propensity to ghost women he didn’t want to be with and, on retrospect, I realize he was setting me up. But NO. No, no, no, no! I don’t care how uncomfortable conflict is for you. Grow some f*cking ovaries and tell the Dominant woman that it’s not working for you and you’re moving on. Otherwise you’re a bad submissive IMO, you’ve just disrespected a woman! A Dominant woman at that.
If you respect someone or claim to, you tell them. You don’t have to go into a story and should never hurl insults. All you have to say is “this isn’t working for me” — no reason is needed. By ghosting someone you’ve been on several dates with, you’re saying, “you mean so little to me (I think so little of you) that you’re not even worth the time it would take for me to say goodbye.”
For the person on the receiving end it truly feels like we’ve thrown out and discarded like rubbish.
So yes, ghosting is still an answer — this person ghosting me is still saying “I don’t want to see you again” but it’s not taking my feelings into consideration and that’s worse. It’s immature and hurtful and as a Dominant woman it makes me want to tie him to a chair and beat the crap out of him or leave him bound in a cage in full deprivation for several days. Too bad for him, that’ll never happen now.
~ Rain Star
Author: Rain Star
Mistress Rain began her writing career at a very early age. She's published almost a dozen novels (under a different pseudonym), has written for television and film and spends much of her time with her nose buried in the furry coat of her constant canine companion. The rest of her time is spent telling her stable of subs what they can do for her.