If you ever want to reach out to me on a personal level you will have to read this blog post first. -- in this post I am speaking about myself and my preferences (not those of ALL Mistresses/Dommes/Tops/D-Types).
As an attractive woman I’ve been objectified for most of my life by almost all of my partners and I fucking hate it. I’m glad I’m attractive but it hasn’t come without a cost and it hasn’t come without a lot of work. What rips my seams is the objectification. Out of all my relationships, D/s and vanilla I’ve only felt “seen” by one partner, many years ago. Truly seen for who I truly am. That’s a bad track record.
Most partners see what they want to see. They don’t listen to me when I tell them who I am. They don’t notice when I show them. As I mentioned in another blog post, I pride myself on transparency but my transparency has only brought me grief. It’s been used against me and ignored.
Whenever a new person reaches out to me, especially in the kink community, it’s only about sex. What can I do for them? How can I get their dick hard and make them come? Excuse me? First of all, I’m not a fucking OBJECT! Secondly, you are the one who needs to put MY needs first. In of all my D/s forays I have yet to find anyone who’s done that. Sure there are snippets here and there. A few nights, a few texts, a few phone calls but consistently, from anyone? Nope. Never.
My last partner was above par at putting my sexual needs before his own and biting his tongue when it came to my sadistic needs. But when it came down to my emotional needs, my biggest fears, my lack of safety and true vulnerability (on my part) he ran as fast as he could in the opposite direction. When I told him exactly how that made me feel he refused to acknowledge it, never apologized, and never even validated my feelings which translates to: he invalidated them. Now this is not a bag on my exes blog but that does make my point. I have been seen as a pretty, useful, sex object for my entire fucking life, and I’m pulling the plug.
I’m not here to be used for your dick. I want to be worshiped and I don’t know if anyone knows what that truly means.
Stop putting yourself and your needs first. Your Mistress should be your top priority. My needs need to be first. Instead of asking yourself “how can she please me?” Instead of thinking to yourself “what she is doing now is getting me hard/turning me on…” start thinking about HER NEEDS, HER WANTS, HER DESIRES AND HER WISHES.
Maybe, and I think this is a big part of it, I’ve been with partners who are actually switches or who are submissive in the bedroom only. I wrote a bit about this in a previous post. I think it’s more common to find bedroom subs than it is to find 24/7 lifestyle subs.
I don’t want a bedroom sub. TBT I don’t want ANY sub right now but when I look for a primary again, I want a full time, me first, worshiper. Someone who thinks about my needs, wants, desires and feelings. Someone who can truly worship me the way I want to be worshiped. Love and see me for who I really am, not someone’s wet dream. Worship is unconditional. Objectification is selfish and demeaning.
Next time you engage with a Mistress or Dominant/Domme/Top ask yourself - what am I bringing to them? What am I giving them? What am I offering them?
If you are thinking about getting your own needs met, if you are thinking about your dick, if you are thinking about having them fulfill your sexual or emotional desires, you are going about this the wrong way. You are not looking for a Mistress, you are looking for a sex object and would do better working with a Pro Domme. With a Pro, it’s all on the table, nothing is hidden. She is there to satisfy your needs, your cravings, your desires — whatever they may be, and what you are giving HER in exchange is money so you both get your needs met.
Do not approach a Lifestyle D this way. Do not objectify them. Do not look at them as your personal spank bank, your wet dream come true. The only way you should be looking at your Lifestyle Domme is as your Goddess. Otherwise, do us all a favor and go watch some porn.
Here are the definitions of Worship and Objectification - READ THEM! LEARN THEM!
Worship: to love unquestioningly and uncritically or to excess; venerate as an idol.
Objectification: to make impersonal or present as an object.
Sexual objectification is the act of treating a person solely as an object of sexual desire. Objectification more broadly means treating a person as a commodity or an object without regard to their personality or dignity. Objectification is most commonly examined at the level of a society, but can also refer to the behavior of individuals and is a type of dehumanization.
Here is a helpful Quora thread on objectification:
Here are the highlights - READ THEM!
“The key to not objectifying women is to emotionally connect to them and relate to them as individuals.” ~ Vinay Menon
“If you respect the women you meet as individuals with their own hopes, desires, dreams, etc, then you are not objectifying them.
If you look at them, find them beautiful, and then spend all your time thinking about how they could make you happier without thinking about what they want, that is objectification.
The concept of "objectification of women" is an issue of respect, not of not having a sex drive. The idea comes from objectification meaning "treating a woman like an object" instead of "treating a woman like another human being whose feelings are just as important as yours." ~ Katy Levinson
If you've made it to the end of this, congratulations, you get a gold star. If you have learned the difference between worship and objectification, you get two gold stars. If you APPLY this in your daily life, you deserve 100 gold stars.
Note: I was speaking to another Domme last night and she pointed out that some people LIKE/WANT to be objectified. This post does not address that and I want to acknowledge that. For those who want to be objectified all the time or some of the time, they will disclose that to their partner as a desire/kink :)
I also realize, after writing this emphatic post, that the reason objectification has been so disgusting for me is because I haven't felt seen, heard or cherished/loved. I've been treated as an object instead of being treated as a person with feelings and after my last go-round, it was just too much. Too much pain and hurt as if my feelings don't count. I guess that's what happens when my emotions are invalidated. Now we know.
~ blog post written by Rain Star (where the stars begin)
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Author: Rain Star
Mistress Rain began her writing career at a very early age. She's published almost a dozen novels (under a different pseudonym), has written for television and film and spends much of her time with her nose buried in the furry coat of her constant canine companion. The rest of her time is spent telling her stable of subs what they can do for her.