What Are your Values?
My father is the kind of man who likes to tell other people what to do, especially me. It’s part of the reason I cut him out of my life 4 years ago. I don’t like to be told what to do. It’s not that I don’t ask for advice at times or for someone else’s opinion, I do. But that’s MY choice. I don’t know a lot of strong (Dominant) people who appreciate unsolicited advice.
One of the many nuggets my father thought he was “dropping” years ago was telling me that I should only be in a relationship with someone who came from the same background I did. His reasoning was that relationships are hard enough as is, so why complicate them further by picking someone who didn’t share my background.
At the time, I instinctively knew this was bullshit. My father didn’t want me to be in a relationship with anyone of color, anyone who cared about other people (had empathy), anyone who made less than six figures a year, anyone who wasn’t a doctor or a lawyer, or anyone who wasn’t American. At the time, I didn’t understand this was what he was saying. Of course, I never listened to him. I am a Dominant woman and I do what I feel is best for ME. One of my truths that he never accepted or understood.
I’ve had many relationships. Relationships with people who had the “same background” as me and more with people who have not. What I have learned is that it doesn’t matter two shits about someone’s background. The number one thing that matters in a relationship are values. Values are number one. Needs and beliefs also matter. Does the person I’m with have the same values as me? If they don’t, it’s never going to work, no matter how similar their background is to mine. I found this out through trial and error, as we all do.
I’m a liberal, but I’ve been in relationships with conservatives who had the same values as me. My second longest relationship was with a Republican and it was one of the best relationships I’ve ever had. I’m not a Republican. I have to choose Democrat because we don’t have a socialist party, otherwise that would be my choice. But this person, this Republican, still held the same values as me. He believed in gay marriage and a woman’s right to choose. Those are two things I will not compromise on. And he had the other qualities and values that checked my boxes so it worked.
I am opinionated but I also rely on facts. A few things that are supremely important to me are climate change and eating organically. If someone doesn’t believe in these things, there’s a disconnect for me. If someone tries to argue “science” with me and can’t produce facts or refuses to look at the facts I provide, I’m out.
I don’t care if it’s a D/s relationship or a vanilla one. For me, values are number one. The number one point that I will never tolerate is anyone who puts money before humanity. People who see money and their own finances as the end all be all, can fuck off. People who have no empathy are not tolerated. Racism, sexism, homophobia are not acceptable. Climate change deniers, flat earthers, conspiracy theorists, especially Q-A are a flat out, loud, NO!
I’m thankful, every single-day, that I refused to listen to my father when he dolled out dating advice. He’s stuck in the most miserable, sick, relationship with the evilest person I’ve ever met (in person)—not necessarily the evilest person in the world.
I will stick to my values and I will not compromise. I may not be looking for another LTR, but I bring these values into friendships too. Though, I’m not as strict. My BFF doesn’t believe in eating organic but he doesn’t give ME shit for doing so. He does share my other values and beliefs and he respects my opinions.
As for kink. If D/s or BDSM or whatever your flavor is, is important to you… I say, don’t settle. This is a value and a need. For a true submissive in a D/s relationship however—their needs don’t matter. Their “need” needs to be pleasing their Dominant. Hands down. One hundred and fifty percent, one hundred percent of the time. If that’s not you, maybe you’re a switch or a sub in the bedroom only and that’s fine too. Know who you are and know what you want. I do.
~ by Rain Star©
A conversation I had a couple of weeks ago with another Domme threw me for a loop. She was asking about my last partner. She thought he was just a play partner. Why? Because he chose, when I was at a painful and terrifying time in my life, to push me away and not be emotionally (or physically) available, which in her opinion was not something a primary would do. In retrospect this was presumptuous on her part. Do any of us truly know how someone else will react in times of trauma? Nope, we don’t. I explained to this Domme that no, he was my primary partner and I owned him, my exact words. She responded with, “I don’t believe in ownership”. And I faltered… completely confused.
I want to say here that I think my Domme friend’s response was because of the word “own” as in — slavery. While there is a “slave” aspect in D/s it is ALWAYS GIVEN by choice. It is NEVER TAKEN against anyone’s will!
Ownership has always been my goal for a life-partner and all the other Domme’s I know (sans her) feel the same. Maybe she didn’t understand what ownership meant? If that’s the case, maybe there are others who also don’t? I explained that I owned his sex and his orgasms, which was true but ownership can be so much more than that.
Often a submissive partner will be under a signed contract and collared. With my last partner, I gave him a play collar but for our year anniversary I had a permanent collar made specifically for him. One that only I could remove, but our relationship ended before I could give it to him.
There are many levels and the type of ownership is something that must be agreed upon by both the owner and the slave/submissive. With my sub, it was physical and revolved solely around sex. I owned his dick and his orgasms. He was not allowed to play with himself or orgasm without my permission. He had to ask whenever he wanted to come and he had to abide by my decision whether it was a yes or a no. Other types of ownership vary greatly.
Side note: this is where the words Mistress and Master come from—ownership.
The most common form of ownership is actually derived from “devotion” — meaning the submissive belongs emotionally (and often physically) to their Top.
I was in a D/s relationship for close to a decade where I was the submissive and owned by my Top. I cannot explain the power of that. When he said, “you belong to me” I would completely melt. I did belong to him, mind, body and soul. This is what ownership, IMO, truly means. My relationship with this person did not start off as D/s and there wasn’t even a conversation about ownership, it was a natural progression and in my experience it was one of the deepest connections I’ve had to another person, in a sexual relationship. But that deep connection didn’t come from him, the Top, it came from ME, as the submissive. I’m not saying it’s that way in every D/s relationship, just for that particular one.
It truly fascinates me how two people can be in a long term intimate relationship and yet be completely disconnected but it happens all the time. From lack of communication? Maybe. I think it’s more from our inability to truly hear what our partner is saying. There’s a huge difference between listening and hearing. I often listen but don’t hear and then time goes by and I’m shocked that a friend acted a certain way or made a certain choice. But if I had listened, I would have seen and understood the reasons behind their eventual actions or decisions much earlier. It’s something I’m actively working on and it’s a skill.
In my experience it’s rare for two people to be connected to one another in the same amount. I am not even sure how to explain what I mean. When I was married, my husband used to say “the man has to love the woman a little bit more for it to work”, and while I don’t believe that’s true I do believe that one person is usually more committed than the other person. I don’t know why and I don’t like it. I wish it weren’t true and I’m sure there are a few cases where it’s not but I haven’t experienced them.
With ownership I think the sub can truly submit and commit to their Top. I surmise this is the beginning of a more equal (emotional) partnership. My subs are special to me. I cherish them. And in turn, I want to be cherished.
There are as many different types of ownership, as one can imagine. If you own a D/s slave you can even register them and they will have a slave registration number. A lot of slaves look at this as a point of pride.
Some D-types have a stable of submissives and/or slaves which is quite common. All the s-types serve their Mistress/Master. Often a familial connection is formed, sometimes the group will live together. I knew a Domme who had this set-up but a problem for the s-type I knew that served her was—he didn’t feel important in relation to her other submissives. While I think this type of relationship can work, I assume a lot more communication is needed on a regular basis.
As with everything in the kink community, try and see what works for you and your partner. If something doesn’t work, change it up. If something does work—yum!
I’d love to hear about what IS working for you and partner. I’d also like to hear your thoughts on ownership.
© by Rain Star
What is a submissive?
What does it mean to be truly submissive? Are there variants? Yes and no. There are many people who identify as switches and can be a Top or bottom but a true submissive is a very different creature. While a true submissive can “play” Top if need be, it makes them uncomfortable and it simply doesn’t feel right. It’s total play acting and some cannot even get sexually excited over it.
While there are a plethora of different types of submissives, the psychology that lays behind what makes each person submissive is relatively similar. The different types are dependent on what gets them off.
Several types of submissives (this is not a full list):
What every “true” submissive has in common is their need to be Dominated. There are various degrees of course, such as 24/7 or only in the bedroom but every single submissive I know is wired similarly. They want to be told what to do, they need to be told what to do, they crave it. It’s a turn on for them and so is making their Mistress or Master happy. This is their true nature. They are here to serve and if they aren’t serving someone, in some way, they are unfulfilled.
~ Rain Star
I find ghosting a very interesting topic. Years ago my therapist said “no answer IS an answer” and I definitely agree. We had (and continue to have) conversations about people’s comfort levels when it comes to honesty and conflict. Many people are conflict averse and I understand that. As a woman who grew up in an unsafe environment, conflict was to be avoided at all costs. At a young age I was taught (through action) that conflict caused severe pain, often physical and often left scars that lasted a lifetime. Conflict is also emotionally jarring and most people don’t like to experience discomfort.
I used to tell people how I felt (in a way that wasn’t attacking) when I no longer wanted to speak to them and I assume most people have tried this tactic as well. Unfortunately it was often met with defensiveness and lashing out. Rarely did the person say, “I understand, your experiences are valid and I wish you the best.”
At this point in my life I mostly reserve ghosting for people I’ve never met in person. Usually it’s someone I’ve spoken to only over text. They’ll say something or present with a personality trait that is a show stopper for me. Nine times out of ten I’ll tell them I’m no longer interested, they’ll continue to contact me and I’ll ghost them. Most of the time I do give fair warning first but not always. In one case a person told me they no longer wanted to see me and then contacted me a month or two later and I didn’t respond because really, what was there to say?
Recently someone I had several dates with ghosted me and it really irked me, which is why I’m blogging about it. I thought things were progressing. I contemplated the D/s contract I would offer him, but there was something amiss. I sensed it early on and even brought it to his attention. He asked me to give him a chance. I did and then I was ghosted. I think the ghosting in itself wouldn’t be that big of a deal if this wasn’t the 3rd submissive that’s done something similar to me in less than a year.
Here I have to back up and intend to write another blog about this subject but I’ll touch on it here as it’s important to the story.
I’m not looking for any more play partners, I have plenty. What I am looking for is a submissive LTR to be my primary. I’m up front with my wants and desires. When I date/interview new subs for this position I don’t offer intimacy or play. I prefer to get to know someone first. For play partners it’s different.
I always tell potential LTR subs that I move slowly, because I do. Part of it is definitely a test. If they’re only looking for sex or sexual satisfaction, they can move on. I’m looking for a deeper connection to fulfill this role. Plus, I’m picky and intolerant of bullsh*t. When I started this particular journey last January 2019, there were several subs that were only looking for sex because as soon as I removed that from the table, they were gone.
A more recent one stated he understood my requirements and also moved slowly. We went on several dates and then he was gone. On the last date he told me about his propensity to ghost women he didn’t want to be with and, on retrospect, I realize he was setting me up. But NO. No, no, no, no! I don’t care how uncomfortable conflict is for you. Grow some f*cking ovaries and tell the Dominant woman that it’s not working for you and you’re moving on. Otherwise you’re a bad submissive IMO, you’ve just disrespected a woman! A Dominant woman at that.
If you respect someone or claim to, you tell them. You don’t have to go into a story and should never hurl insults. All you have to say is “this isn’t working for me” — no reason is needed. By ghosting someone you’ve been on several dates with, you’re saying, “you mean so little to me (I think so little of you) that you’re not even worth the time it would take for me to say goodbye.”
For the person on the receiving end it truly feels like we’ve thrown out and discarded like rubbish.
So yes, ghosting is still an answer — this person ghosting me is still saying “I don’t want to see you again” but it’s not taking my feelings into consideration and that’s worse. It’s immature and hurtful and as a Dominant woman it makes me want to tie him to a chair and beat the crap out of him or leave him bound in a cage in full deprivation for several days. Too bad for him, that’ll never happen now.
~ Rain Star
Be True to Yourself
During my past several months of interviewing potential subs I've heard countless stories of men and women who married vanilla hoping they could deny their true desires. Hell, I'm a real life example of this as well. I've been in several long term relationships but only a couple of them were D/s and less than a handful were kinky.
I think the first and most important aspect is to define who you are and what you want. What will you settle for and what won't you?
I have a friend with two lovely children and a husband who adores her but they're vanilla and mono and she wants to be kinky and open. We had a difficult conversation yesterday because she only has a few choices. She can tell her husband she wants to be open but she's tried this before and he was not on board. She can cheat but she says she doesn't want to do that and I personally advised against it. Or she can deny her desires and stay in her relationship. Her situation is made more complicated by a 3rd party who has professed his love for her and who she is extremely attracted to. She can't stop obsessing about this man. I told her that it's not the man, it's something bigger, a need she's not getting met in her life. She asked my advice and I told her to run the other way and cut off all contact with the new object of her obsession. But I doubt she will. I suspect she'll cheat and stay, feel guilty and then it will come out and she'll lose both men - her husband and her amor.
I use this as an example. Settling and compromising is not wrong. And timing is everything. She chose to marry a mono, vanilla man so she either has to let him go and pursue her own dreams and desires or wait until her kids are grown to do that. It's a common choice. The sub I'm currently seeing had to make the same one. He's now divorced with two kids that still live at home. But he's happier and I think kids sense that. If we're happier and more present and getting our needs met, so is our support group and our families.
The one thing that stands out is that it's never too late. It's never too late to become who you truly are, to settle into a new you, to try new things and to live your life to its fullest.
Most of us are not supported emotionally if we choose to come out as kinky and proud. But we can have both. We can have our cock and we can eat it too... or not.
~ Rain Star
I look at most relationships in the real world through the lens of D/s. This goes for couples who have never heard of D/s to people’s pets.
Before I embraced the lifestyle and my Dominant self, I was in a long-term marriage. One that was highly abusive and in retrospect a non-consensual D/s relationship. It took me years to unpack it all but when I finally did; I realized I was the submissive and my ex-husband was the Dominant except that I didn’t have a choice. Everything I did was criticized and torn apart. If I wasn’t earning money to support him, then I’d better be cleaning the house for him or getting him off sexually. He never cleaned the house, not once in 20 years. He hardly even showered (maybe once a week after two days of begging from me). He rarely contributed to the household finances. And he almost never got me off. I can count on two hands how many orgasms he gave me in the two decades we were together. Sad? Yes! Worse than sad, it was horrible. And yet I stayed, far too young to know better. Until I finally realized what was happening, and left.
This was my first backwards look into non-consensual D/s. But in reality I had known it all along. I’d grown up with it. My father was Dominant over me and my mother. He made me kneel or lay face down at his feet, while he pointed and laughed. He screamed at my mother but he kept the corporeal punishment for me and he loved it. A true sadist, in the sickest sense of the word. He would laugh gleefully as he beat me, naked, splayed over his lap, night after night after night.
In his third marriage and my mother’s third long term relationship, they’ve continued the pattern. My mother is the Dominant in her relationship and my father and his wife fight for Dominance in theirs. Both relationships are extremely abusive with each couple calling their significant other’s horrible names.
My mother often says to her boyfriend, “you’re such an idiot. You can’t do anything right. You’re a waste of space.” And so on.
My father and his wife put each other down incessantly. Both couples do it in public, seemingly unaware of how uncomfortable other people feel around their constant outbursts.
Staying unconscious is easier. It’s uglier, and it’s detrimental to all but it’s easier than taking responsibility for your own shit and consciously choosing a different way of life. Thus my sister carried the torch. She is Dominant over her husband, also in a highly abusive manner. Screaming at him and calling him “useless” on a regular basis. One time my mother tried to intervene and her husband said, “no, it’s fine. I don’t mind.”
It took me years to understand. My mother’s partner and my sister’s husband are submissive men. But they don’t know how to be in healthy submissive relationships so they both picked domineering, abusive women. Do I think they’re actually happy? Not at all. But I do think they’re getting some type of fulfillment and I also know that it’s all unconscious. They probably can’t even face the truth of who they really are, let alone seek out a healthy Dominant FLR.
I have another friend who is happily married, knows nothing of kink but has told me that her husband is happy to take a back seat to her and let her lead. She doesn’t yell at him or abuse him but they both know she’s in charge! I call this an unconscious D/s relationship and they can be healthy.
The other day I was speaking with a sub and mentioned that I think cats are Doms/Dommes and dogs are subs. Because I can lay this context over pretty much everything and it will fit. What other wonders will we discover?…
Author: Rain Star
Mistress Rain began her writing career at a very early age. She's published almost a dozen novels (under a different pseudonym), has written for television and film and spends much of her time with her nose buried in the furry coat of her constant canine companion. The rest of her time is spent telling her stable of subs what they can do for her.