D/s Relationships are NEVER Fair

A lot of changes are afoot in my life. Basically everything. 180 degrees, turned on my head, topsy-turvy. I will not go into it at this time for a bunch of reasons. But I will say that transparency has taught me a lot. I am not the person who holds my cards close to my chest. Especially when I am intimate with someone, I divulge. I don't think this is a terrible thing and I will not change. It’s who I am, and it's shown me who other people truly are and how (or if) they can show up for me. But that is NOT the crux of this post.

A little over a year ago I met a submissive who told me about another Domme he was following on social media. She received a question about why a non-submissive person can't be trained to be submissive. And, the bottom line, she said, was because when it came down to it, the sub would, at some point say "this relationship is not fair". To which she responded, "A D/s relationship is NEVER fair" and to that I agree 150%. 

In my last Ds relationship I made a myriad of mistakes, some of which are apparent now and others which will most likely take a year or more to unpack. We were mainly Ds in the bedroom. It wasn't a conscious choice or discussed. We fell into it and it worked, until it didn't (the relationship, not the Ds part). Moving forward, I'm asking myself questions like: 1. Is that what YOU (me) wanted? 2. Do you want Ds 24/7? 3. What would YOU have done differently (regarding Ds)?

I remember when we began our relationship the fairness part came up. He was submissive but had never been in a Ds relationship before and told me he thought Ds relationships should be fair. I assured him that this was not the case. But in retrospect I realize that perhaps he was looking for Ds in the bedroom only, and I certainly provided that. But is that what I truly wanted or did I just fall into that dynamic unconsciously?

I have no interest in bossing anyone around and controlling them 24/7 and this is where I question balance. I also don’t want to put constant effort into manning (womaning/personing) my submissive. I have several Domme friends who maintain their Ds relationships 24/7, and it’s a LOT of work for the Top.

I want my submissive partner to do things for me; I expect that. I want more structure which, on the next go-round, needs to be laid out prior to involvement. This was a first for both of us and it was a grand start. I can’t speak for him, but I think it taught us both a lot. It taught ME a lot! It taught me what I do and don't want, what I do and don't need and what I will and won't put up with.
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The bottom line is that D/s relationships are NEVER FAIR! The submissive is there to SERVE his/her/their Dominant. That's the way it HAS to be for this type of relationship to work. I see that now. It has to be that way ALL THE TIME. It can't be half-assed and for me, it can't be "just in the bedroom" unless both partners are switches. I AM NOT A SWITCH.

I love the ride that is life. I love myself. I love the world. I do not claim to know everything. I am constantly learning, sharing and evolving.

​~ Rain ©

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