My father is the kind of man who likes to tell other people what to do, especially me. It’s part of the reason I cut him out of my life 4 years ago. I don’t like to be told what to do. It’s not that I don’t ask for advice at times or for someone else’s opinion, I do. But that’s MY choice. I don’t know a lot of strong (Dominant) people who appreciate unsolicited advice.
One of the many nuggets my father thought he was “dropping” years ago was telling me that I should only be in a relationship with someone who came from the same background I did. His reasoning was that relationships are hard enough as is, so why complicate them further by picking someone who didn’t share my background.
At the time, I instinctively knew this was bullshit. My father didn’t want me to be in a relationship with anyone of color, anyone who cared about other people (had empathy), anyone who made less than six figures a year, anyone who wasn’t a doctor or a lawyer, or anyone who wasn’t American. At the time, I didn’t understand this was what he was saying. Of course, I never listened to him. I am a Dominant woman and I do what I feel is best for ME. One of my truths that he never accepted or understood.
I’ve had many relationships. Relationships with people who had the “same background” as me and more with people who have not. What I have learned is that it doesn’t matter two shits about someone’s background. The number one thing that matters in a relationship are values. Values are number one. Needs and beliefs also matter. Does the person I’m with have the same values as me? If they don’t, it’s never going to work, no matter how similar their background is to mine. I found this out through trial and error, as we all do.
I’m a liberal, but I’ve been in relationships with conservatives who had the same values as me. My second longest relationship was with a Republican and it was one of the best relationships I’ve ever had. I’m not a Republican. I have to choose Democrat because we don’t have a socialist party, otherwise that would be my choice. But this person, this Republican, still held the same values as me. He believed in gay marriage and a woman’s right to choose. Those are two things I will not compromise on. And he had the other qualities and values that checked my boxes so it worked.
I am opinionated but I also rely on facts. A few things that are supremely important to me are climate change and eating organically. If someone doesn’t believe in these things, there’s a disconnect for me. If someone tries to argue “science” with me and can’t produce facts or refuses to look at the facts I provide, I’m out.
I don’t care if it’s a D/s relationship or a vanilla one. For me, values are number one. The number one point that I will never tolerate is anyone who puts money before humanity. People who see money and their own finances as the end all be all, can fuck off. People who have no empathy are not tolerated. Racism, sexism, homophobia are not acceptable. Climate change deniers, flat earthers, conspiracy theorists, especially Q-A are a flat out, loud, NO!
I’m thankful, every single-day, that I refused to listen to my father when he dolled out dating advice. He’s stuck in the most miserable, sick, relationship with the evilest person I’ve ever met (in person)—not necessarily the evilest person in the world.
I will stick to my values and I will not compromise. I may not be looking for another LTR, but I bring these values into friendships too. Though, I’m not as strict. My BFF doesn’t believe in eating organic but he doesn’t give ME shit for doing so. He does share my other values and beliefs and he respects my opinions.
As for kink. If D/s or BDSM or whatever your flavor is, is important to you… I say, don’t settle. This is a value and a need. For a true submissive in a D/s relationship however—their needs don’t matter. Their “need” needs to be pleasing their Dominant. Hands down. One hundred and fifty percent, one hundred percent of the time. If that’s not you, maybe you’re a switch or a sub in the bedroom only and that’s fine too. Know who you are and know what you want. I do.
~ by Rain Star©
A conversation I had a couple of weeks ago with another Domme threw me for a loop. She was asking about my last partner. She thought he was just a play partner. Why? Because he chose, when I was at a painful and terrifying time in my life, to push me away and not be emotionally (or physically) available, which in her opinion was not something a primary would do. In retrospect this was presumptuous on her part. Do any of us truly know how someone else will react in times of trauma? Nope, we don’t. I explained to this Domme that no, he was my primary partner and I owned him, my exact words. She responded with, “I don’t believe in ownership”. And I faltered… completely confused.
I want to say here that I think my Domme friend’s response was because of the word “own” as in — slavery. While there is a “slave” aspect in D/s it is ALWAYS GIVEN by choice. It is NEVER TAKEN against anyone’s will!
Ownership has always been my goal for a life-partner and all the other Domme’s I know (sans her) feel the same. Maybe she didn’t understand what ownership meant? If that’s the case, maybe there are others who also don’t? I explained that I owned his sex and his orgasms, which was true but ownership can be so much more than that.
Often a submissive partner will be under a signed contract and collared. With my last partner, I gave him a play collar but for our year anniversary I had a permanent collar made specifically for him. One that only I could remove, but our relationship ended before I could give it to him.
There are many levels and the type of ownership is something that must be agreed upon by both the owner and the slave/submissive. With my sub, it was physical and revolved solely around sex. I owned his dick and his orgasms. He was not allowed to play with himself or orgasm without my permission. He had to ask whenever he wanted to come and he had to abide by my decision whether it was a yes or a no. Other types of ownership vary greatly.
Side note: this is where the words Mistress and Master come from—ownership.
The most common form of ownership is actually derived from “devotion” — meaning the submissive belongs emotionally (and often physically) to their Top.
I was in a D/s relationship for close to a decade where I was the submissive and owned by my Top. I cannot explain the power of that. When he said, “you belong to me” I would completely melt. I did belong to him, mind, body and soul. This is what ownership, IMO, truly means. My relationship with this person did not start off as D/s and there wasn’t even a conversation about ownership, it was a natural progression and in my experience it was one of the deepest connections I’ve had to another person, in a sexual relationship. But that deep connection didn’t come from him, the Top, it came from ME, as the submissive. I’m not saying it’s that way in every D/s relationship, just for that particular one.
It truly fascinates me how two people can be in a long term intimate relationship and yet be completely disconnected but it happens all the time. From lack of communication? Maybe. I think it’s more from our inability to truly hear what our partner is saying. There’s a huge difference between listening and hearing. I often listen but don’t hear and then time goes by and I’m shocked that a friend acted a certain way or made a certain choice. But if I had listened, I would have seen and understood the reasons behind their eventual actions or decisions much earlier. It’s something I’m actively working on and it’s a skill.
In my experience it’s rare for two people to be connected to one another in the same amount. I am not even sure how to explain what I mean. When I was married, my husband used to say “the man has to love the woman a little bit more for it to work”, and while I don’t believe that’s true I do believe that one person is usually more committed than the other person. I don’t know why and I don’t like it. I wish it weren’t true and I’m sure there are a few cases where it’s not but I haven’t experienced them.
With ownership I think the sub can truly submit and commit to their Top. I surmise this is the beginning of a more equal (emotional) partnership. My subs are special to me. I cherish them. And in turn, I want to be cherished.
There are as many different types of ownership, as one can imagine. If you own a D/s slave you can even register them and they will have a slave registration number. A lot of slaves look at this as a point of pride.
Some D-types have a stable of submissives and/or slaves which is quite common. All the s-types serve their Mistress/Master. Often a familial connection is formed, sometimes the group will live together. I knew a Domme who had this set-up but a problem for the s-type I knew that served her was—he didn’t feel important in relation to her other submissives. While I think this type of relationship can work, I assume a lot more communication is needed on a regular basis.
As with everything in the kink community, try and see what works for you and your partner. If something doesn’t work, change it up. If something does work—yum!
I’d love to hear about what IS working for you and partner. I’d also like to hear your thoughts on ownership.
© by Rain Star
If you ever want to reach out to me on a personal level you will have to read this blog post first. -- in this post I am speaking about myself and my preferences (not those of ALL Mistresses/Dommes/Tops/D-Types).
As an attractive woman I’ve been objectified for most of my life by almost all of my partners and I fucking hate it. I’m glad I’m attractive but it hasn’t come without a cost and it hasn’t come without a lot of work. What rips my seams is the objectification. Out of all my relationships, D/s and vanilla I’ve only felt “seen” by one partner, many years ago. Truly seen for who I truly am. That’s a bad track record.
Most partners see what they want to see. They don’t listen to me when I tell them who I am. They don’t notice when I show them. As I mentioned in another blog post, I pride myself on transparency but my transparency has only brought me grief. It’s been used against me and ignored.
Whenever a new person reaches out to me, especially in the kink community, it’s only about sex. What can I do for them? How can I get their dick hard and make them come? Excuse me? First of all, I’m not a fucking OBJECT! Secondly, you are the one who needs to put MY needs first. In of all my D/s forays I have yet to find anyone who’s done that. Sure there are snippets here and there. A few nights, a few texts, a few phone calls but consistently, from anyone? Nope. Never.
My last partner was above par at putting my sexual needs before his own and biting his tongue when it came to my sadistic needs. But when it came down to my emotional needs, my biggest fears, my lack of safety and true vulnerability (on my part) he ran as fast as he could in the opposite direction. When I told him exactly how that made me feel he refused to acknowledge it, never apologized, and never even validated my feelings which translates to: he invalidated them. Now this is not a bag on my exes blog but that does make my point. I have been seen as a pretty, useful, sex object for my entire fucking life, and I’m pulling the plug.
I’m not here to be used for your dick. I want to be worshiped and I don’t know if anyone knows what that truly means.
Stop putting yourself and your needs first. Your Mistress should be your top priority. My needs need to be first. Instead of asking yourself “how can she please me?” Instead of thinking to yourself “what she is doing now is getting me hard/turning me on…” start thinking about HER NEEDS, HER WANTS, HER DESIRES AND HER WISHES.
Maybe, and I think this is a big part of it, I’ve been with partners who are actually switches or who are submissive in the bedroom only. I wrote a bit about this in a previous post. I think it’s more common to find bedroom subs than it is to find 24/7 lifestyle subs.
I don’t want a bedroom sub. TBT I don’t want ANY sub right now but when I look for a primary again, I want a full time, me first, worshiper. Someone who thinks about my needs, wants, desires and feelings. Someone who can truly worship me the way I want to be worshiped. Love and see me for who I really am, not someone’s wet dream. Worship is unconditional. Objectification is selfish and demeaning.
Next time you engage with a Mistress or Dominant/Domme/Top ask yourself - what am I bringing to them? What am I giving them? What am I offering them?
If you are thinking about getting your own needs met, if you are thinking about your dick, if you are thinking about having them fulfill your sexual or emotional desires, you are going about this the wrong way. You are not looking for a Mistress, you are looking for a sex object and would do better working with a Pro Domme. With a Pro, it’s all on the table, nothing is hidden. She is there to satisfy your needs, your cravings, your desires — whatever they may be, and what you are giving HER in exchange is money so you both get your needs met.
Do not approach a Lifestyle D this way. Do not objectify them. Do not look at them as your personal spank bank, your wet dream come true. The only way you should be looking at your Lifestyle Domme is as your Goddess. Otherwise, do us all a favor and go watch some porn.
Here are the definitions of Worship and Objectification - READ THEM! LEARN THEM!
Worship: to love unquestioningly and uncritically or to excess; venerate as an idol.
Objectification: to make impersonal or present as an object.
Sexual objectification is the act of treating a person solely as an object of sexual desire. Objectification more broadly means treating a person as a commodity or an object without regard to their personality or dignity. Objectification is most commonly examined at the level of a society, but can also refer to the behavior of individuals and is a type of dehumanization.
Here is a helpful Quora thread on objectification:
Here are the highlights - READ THEM!
“The key to not objectifying women is to emotionally connect to them and relate to them as individuals.” ~ Vinay Menon
“If you respect the women you meet as individuals with their own hopes, desires, dreams, etc, then you are not objectifying them.
If you look at them, find them beautiful, and then spend all your time thinking about how they could make you happier without thinking about what they want, that is objectification.
The concept of "objectification of women" is an issue of respect, not of not having a sex drive. The idea comes from objectification meaning "treating a woman like an object" instead of "treating a woman like another human being whose feelings are just as important as yours." ~ Katy Levinson
If you've made it to the end of this, congratulations, you get a gold star. If you have learned the difference between worship and objectification, you get two gold stars. If you APPLY this in your daily life, you deserve 100 gold stars.
Note: I was speaking to another Domme last night and she pointed out that some people LIKE/WANT to be objectified. This post does not address that and I want to acknowledge that. For those who want to be objectified all the time or some of the time, they will disclose that to their partner as a desire/kink :)
I also realize, after writing this emphatic post, that the reason objectification has been so disgusting for me is because I haven't felt seen, heard or cherished/loved. I've been treated as an object instead of being treated as a person with feelings and after my last go-round, it was just too much. Too much pain and hurt as if my feelings don't count. I guess that's what happens when my emotions are invalidated. Now we know.
~ blog post written by Rain Star (where the stars begin)
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A lot of changes are afoot in my life. Basically everything. 180 degrees, turned on my head, topsy-turvy. I will not go into it at this time for a bunch of reasons. But I will say that transparency has taught me a lot. I am not the person who holds my cards close to my chest. Especially when I am intimate with someone, I divulge. I don't think this is a terrible thing and I will not change. It’s who I am, and it's shown me who other people truly are and how (or if) they can show up for me. But that is NOT the crux of this post.
A little over a year ago I met a submissive who told me about another Domme he was following on social media. She received a question about why a non-submissive person can't be trained to be submissive. And, the bottom line, she said, was because when it came down to it, the sub would, at some point say "this relationship is not fair". To which she responded, "A D/s relationship is NEVER fair" and to that I agree 150%.
In my last Ds relationship I made a myriad of mistakes, some of which are apparent now and others which will most likely take a year or more to unpack. We were mainly Ds in the bedroom. It wasn't a conscious choice or discussed. We fell into it and it worked, until it didn't (the relationship, not the Ds part). Moving forward, I'm asking myself questions like: 1. Is that what YOU (me) wanted? 2. Do you want Ds 24/7? 3. What would YOU have done differently (regarding Ds)?
I remember when we began our relationship the fairness part came up. He was submissive but had never been in a Ds relationship before and told me he thought Ds relationships should be fair. I assured him that this was not the case. But in retrospect I realize that perhaps he was looking for Ds in the bedroom only, and I certainly provided that. But is that what I truly wanted or did I just fall into that dynamic unconsciously?
I have no interest in bossing anyone around and controlling them 24/7 and this is where I question balance. I also don’t want to put constant effort into manning (womaning/personing) my submissive. I have several Domme friends who maintain their Ds relationships 24/7, and it’s a LOT of work for the Top.
I want my submissive partner to do things for me; I expect that. I want more structure which, on the next go-round, needs to be laid out prior to involvement. This was a first for both of us and it was a grand start. I can’t speak for him, but I think it taught us both a lot. It taught ME a lot! It taught me what I do and don't want, what I do and don't need and what I will and won't put up with.
The bottom line is that D/s relationships are NEVER FAIR! The submissive is there to SERVE his/her/their Dominant. That's the way it HAS to be for this type of relationship to work. I see that now. It has to be that way ALL THE TIME. It can't be half-assed and for me, it can't be "just in the bedroom" unless both partners are switches. I AM NOT A SWITCH.
I love the ride that is life. I love myself. I love the world. I do not claim to know everything. I am constantly learning, sharing and evolving.
~ Rain ©
I just threw this into my newsletter that goes out tomorrow but it's so important to me and relevant that I'm making it a blog post too --- not everything about me has to do with sex.
I don't usually use my author platforms to get on my political soapbox but I can't ignore what's happening in America. If you'd rather not read this just skip it. I'm the kind of person that needs to know the WHY about pretty much everything. Why do people do what they do? I'm learning that in some cases (Jeffrey Epstein) it doesn't matter why. That monster was a deplorable human being and that's enough. But when it comes to social injustice, abusive behavior and our president I search for meaning. After all - I know exactly why I'm a sadist Femdom Dominatrix. So in search for answers, as I'm a truthseeker, I found Sarah Kendzior and her new book - Hiding in Plain Sight - The Invention of Donald Trump and the Erosion of America. This book, I bought all 3 versions: kindle, audible and hardcover so I can support her is the WHY I've been searching for. If you're passionate about this subject matter/topic, please reach out to me. My primary submissive is not interested in politics and I would love to talk to people who are. I threatened him with reading this book vs 24/7 chastity (which he abhors) and I think he'd actually prefer chastity LMAO. (I still love you hole 😈💘)
✊🏾 The other huge topic here is BLM. Black Lives DO MATTER!!!!! ✊🏾
What's happened in America (and other places) to squash the rights of POC and the killing of blacks is one of the biggest injustices of our world.
Four years ago I posted #blacklivesmatter on Facebook and my father canceled me. Goodbye racist prick is my response to that. We haven't spoken (verbally) since. He tried to reconnect with me at the beginning of Covid over email but after 3 back and forths he dissolved into his drunk, abusive, asshole personna again and that was the end of that. My choice. I won't compromise. I don't have to.
- if you don't understand BLM and you want to, watch these:
✊🏾 Michael Che
✊🏾 White Lady Explains BLM
- the link to Sarah's book above is an affiliate link so I'll get a few cents if you buy her book but that's not why you need to buy (and read or listen to) it! Don't use the affiliate link if you don't want to.
- Sarah also has a FREE podcast = Gaslit Nation (she recommends that people start by listening to the first 3).
~Mistress Rain Star
On Fetlife, I posted an excerpt from a cockstomping scene that I wrote in Submission in Barcelona (which is a FREE book/short story). I received a comment asking if it was taken from a real life experience.
No, it was not. At the time I wrote that short story I had yet to experience cockstomping in all its glory and delight. But I was studying it.
I first heard about cockstomping from my mentor, Mistress Scarlet. We spoke about it a great deal. Scarlet recommends using a table and her husband, bitchboy built one for her. She sent me videos and my interest grew. I found more videos. I read more about it. I studied it for several months.
I told two of my submissives about it and they both attempted to build a table for me. One was successful and I’ve been using it on him, quite happily, ever since.
To date I think I’ve used it four times, I lose track! The last time I decided to give my bare feet a try. The other times I wore boots. One pair with spiked heels, which hurt subby boytoy quite a bit and another pair with rectangular heels.
Either, this time I was overzealous and went for much longer, or I stomped harder because I wasn’t wearing shoes. Probably both. Regardless, boytoy reported that five days later his princess parts were still chaffed and aching which pleased me greatly.
Cockstomping is a skill, like any other. It takes practice and dedication. There are two different ways to use a table. One way is to pull the cock and balls through but just stomp on the cock and the other way is to pull the cock through only. This is the way Mistress Scarlet does it and I prefer this way as well. I have tried both. The balls are distracting and I have to focus more, not to stomp on them because you can’t and shouldn’t ever stomp on the balls.
When I first began, I did not put my entire weight on the shaft, especially when I was using the heel part of the boot. But with my bare feet I did. I even used both feet at once. It was delightful. I rubbed back and forth with each foot so that boytoy could experience both pleasure and pain.
In the end he was rewarded with a golden shower, fisting and an orgasm. Lucky sub!
I recently saw a photo on twitter where the sub was kneeling with his cock on a small table. The Mistress stood atop the table for the stomping. I do not like this at all. If the submissive pulls away and crouches down, he could be seriously or permanently injured. I am a sadist but I don’t want to permanently injure anyone! Although the table kneeling if an interesting way to get the job done without anyone building anything I don’t think it’s a good idea. A Mistress friend of mine has her sub lay on his back or stomach with his legs spread wide and she stomps on his member as it lays useless between his legs on the floor. This is a much safer way to stomp without using a cock stomping table.
I’d love to hear from you if you have experience giving or receiving in this area. If you receive: what do you like about it? If you give: what’s your favorite method? Or anything else you’d like to share 👢😈
~ Mistress Rain Star
I have been a writer and a reader my entire life. As a child my family sat around and read together instead of watching TV. It was our past-time and it was our bonding time, alone, yet together. Each of us would perch on a different area of the couch and read. The first thing I remember writing was an article that was published in the school newspaper in second grade.
In 2016 I started writing and publishing full length novels. It’s been a difficult road, I won’t lie. There’s an art to it. My first 3 novels lay under the bed and will probably never be published. I had to learn along the way. I graduated college with a degree in screenwriting. I read books about writing novels, publishing, editing and marketing. I took hundreds of hours of online and in-person classes. I still read craft books and take writing classes today. I attended almost a dozen writing conferences. I hired editors, cover designers, marketing peeps, the works. I wrote and published 11 novels under another pen-name between 2016 and 2018 and while I love most of them and I earn on them, I don’t make a living from them. Writing is really fucking hard. Editing is harder. Publishing is another burning hoop. And marketing… hell onto itsownself. I don’t say this to discourage, I think everyone who wants to write and publish should do it. I say this because it’s true and people who don’t do it, have no idea how hard it truly is.
I made a lot of money with one of my series. Money that most people would be ecstatic to make and I’m thrilled about it but what onlookers don’t see is the money I spent. Each full length novel cost me $2K to publish. That’s right, you read correctly, two thousand dollars EACH. Do most of those earn that money back? Hell no, they do not. Does everyone spend $2K per published novel. No, they do not but many of those who don’t, should.
I’m a bit of a perfectionist. I want to be a good writer, not an okay writer and certainly not a bad writer. I study the art of writing. I study the art of editing. I study the ART of word mastery. I agonize over each sentence, each story, each plot, and each character.
When I started writing erotica shorts last year it was a new endeavor for me. I was used to the long form of full length novels, not the short form. It’s completely different. I didn’t do it to make a bazillion dollars because anyone who thinks that’s going to happen is, IMO, delusional. I started writing short eroticas because it was fun. I was tired of writing long novels that had ceased being fun for me. Writing those became dreary and painful and turned into WORK.
The other different "thing" about writing my erotica shorts is that I don't hire an editor, I don't agonize over perfection. I have fun with them instead and I put them out knowing they're not perfect, letting go of the control and embracing sticky uncertainty instead.
I abandoned my other pen-name 2 years ago and haven’t published anything under her since. And I’m okay with that. I can always go back to her if I want. She’s still out there, she’s still earning a tiny bit of money. She still has readers, but the genre annoyed me. It was romance. And tbh I’m not really a romantic person. It’s weird to admit that and even weirder to write it, to blog about it.
I’m a sexual person, I’m an optimistic person, I’m a person who believes in love and relationships and connection but romance the way it’s portrayed in books, NOPE. I think it sets up a false ideal that can never be met. Not every man has chiseled abs but in romance they all do. Not every man locks eyes with the heroine from across a crowded room and has to make her his, but in romance they all do. It’s unrealistic and it’s downright disgusting. Not every woman wants that either. I got tired of writing lies, that’s the bottom line of it.
When I started writing my shorts I no longer had to write lies. My shorts say more about who I am as a person and where my beliefs lay than most of my novels do. Not that there aren’t some truths in those, there are. And novels don’t have to be truth, they are supposed to be fantasy. I’m not shitting all over fantasies, we need that escape as humans, especially now. But there’s fantasy = dragons and vampires; and there’s fantasy = prince charming will save me. I prefer the former.
So while not every single thing I write about in my short erotica tales has happened, a lot of them have. The rest are fantasies, the kind that I can get behind ;)
As for long fiction, I’m still writing it. I have moved over to the dystopian genre, long before Covid. I’m a nihilistic, optimistic realist. I am a very happy person with a lot of love in my heart but I like some very dark things. That’s MY happy place. It’s not what appeals to everyone but what it took me many years to learn is that I can’t write to market, meaning, write what people WANT to read and what will ultimately earn $$$. I write for ME. If I don’t love what I’m writing, if it becomes a chore or no longer fun or feels like work and my passion for it dies, my soul burns to a crisp husk. Fuck that shit! I’m a Dominant woman and I do what I want, including writing run-on sentences if I feel like it. So there.
~~~ by Rain Star
You can find links to my Femdom erotic shorts on my homepage
I’m clean and sober and I have been for almost 12 years. But what does this have to do with Topping? EVERYTHING! It has abso-fucking-lutely everything to do with who I am and how I Top. I wrote a cockstomping blog before this one but you’ll have to wait for that because this is currently on my mind.
Because I don’t drink or use, I’m never not “in my right mind”. I don’t have excuses and I don’t use made-up reasons for who or what I am. Not only am I clean and sober, I’m in several 12 step programs and have been in weekly therapy for almost 2 decades. I don’t say this to brag. I say this because I know why I am Dominant and if I choose to play mind games with a submissive, it’s planned and it’s also in good fun. I am not passive aggressive, I don’t have some fucked up agenda. Now maybe some bottoms are looking for that and that’s fine, but they’re not going to find it here.
I also think sobriety is important during BDSM play especially. There is always the possibility that someone can get hurt, temporarily or even permanently. Alcohol and drugs up that ante. Not only are inhibitions lowered while imbibing, but so is common sense. And, also of utmost importance, pain receptors are dulled. Combine this with the hormones that are released, for both the Dominant and the submissive and you have a potent cocktail that could lead to tragedy.
My sober journey was long and steep. I didn’t hit a bottom like so many of my friends did. I didn’t go to jail but I could have. I did everything wrong and illegal and screwed up. I got lucky. That said, my life was not rosey. It was a hellish nightmare. And yet, I’m truly grateful for those years. It taught me what I do and what I don’t want. My birth family are all active alcoholics. They are sick and abusive and nasty people. They play mind games, gaslight, physically and emotionally cripple one another and make up meaningless daily dramas. I watch from afar. Sometimes I can find humor in the situation, but most of the time I have to disconnect completely.
The reason I decided to blog about sobriety is because I get a lot of emails on Fet from people who use. They’re either super into alcohol or they’re super into pot. These are huge red flags for me. I can’t waste my time talking to active addicts, unless they’re asking for help. Why? Because I’m not talking to a person, I’m talking to their drugs. I didn’t even know who I truly was until I’d been clean and sober for several years and… I keep evolving but in a healthy way, not in a fucked up way. And yes I am told this by my trained therapist :)
Do I think there are true “normies” as they’re called in program? A normie is someone who can use but not to excess. They drink “normally”. Sure, I do think those people exist but in my experience, they’re rare. Most of the people I’ve met who call themselves normies “need a drink” when XYZ happens. “Needing a drink” is alcoholic speak. Most of these people have major personality changes when they’re drunk. This too is a pretty good indicator that you’re an alcoholic. Regardless, I have no desire to be around most people who are drinking. When I’m in a business setting I may have little choice but in my personal life I have every right.
So yeah, if you use drugs, alcohol or both to excess, don’t contact me unless you want to be pointed to a 12 step program or a treatment center. I am not interested in interacting with people’s addictions and quite frankly you have nothing to offer yourself so there’s no way in hell you have anything to offer me or society. Harsh words but true ones. If you want to get help, it’s out there, everywhere. My local kink club even offers 12 step meetings for addicts and I bet yours does too!
Here's the 20 question AA "quiz" to see if you qualify, you can substitute your drug of choice for the word alcohol. (ie: pot, adderall, valium, oxy, etc.)
I wish you only the best. Live to your fullest potential!
I’m not a long distance Domme, however this blog will cover just that. During this time of coronavirus/Covid-19, I spent a month in isolation without seeing my submissive face-to-face.
A couple of months ago I wanted to develop a rewards/punishments system for my primary submissive. I spoke with another Domme who uses colored marbles and while there are elements I like about this, it doesn’t work for me.
The positives about a physical reward system: They are always visible. The bottom can touch and play with them. They represent a further level of engagement.
The negatives about a physical reward system: If the Mistress and sub/slave don’t live together, they can only be in one person’s house. If they’re in the sub/slave’s house, the Mistress must trust them not to add more than they’ve earned and/or keep her own count separately. There is more room for error.
I chose a free app called “Our Home” and I love it. It works on android and iPhone (I have one platform and my sub has the other and it works seamlessly). The sub is given points for doing things the Mistress requires and they lose points for non-compliance - or anything else the Mistress deems negative.
After the sub earns a certain number of points he may exchange them for rewards. My sub’s main reward is masturbation. Since I control his little clitty and he arrived without proper training and a high sex drive, he was used to masturbating daily. When he became MINE, he is now allowed to come once a week, on his own without extra points. If he can accrue 250 points he may masturbate again.
Our Home has categories but I added new ones like “sex” and “service”. Before Covid isolation my sub had many opportunities to earn points. He could do service, like vacuum my house, do my dishes, make dinner and earn points. He also earned points by going on an hour hike with me, worshiping my body (which was a reward at first), giving me orgasms, etc. After Covid isolation I had to think of ways he could earn points while we weren’t together.
One of my most favorite things is chastity. If my sub wears his cage for a full day, he gains points. My other favorites are feminization, sissification and cross dressing. If my sub wears panties all day, he gains more points. Since he can no longer go to the gym, and he was a gym rat, he gains points for exercising on his own. And so on.
I added other rewards my sub could claim when we weren’t together but masturbation is his favorite, though he must ALWAYS ask permission prior to engaging in it.
There are plenty of other ways to Dominate a sub while remaining apart, both in rewards and punishments. With rewards there can be phone sex and video sex (use the Signal app for these as it’s encrypted). And, many couples like more micro-managing though I do not. If you’re one of those parties that does, there are other things to add. Some of these include: food choices, eating times, exercise choices and times, house cleaning or just picking up after oneself, specific books or articles to read, tv or movie watching (both specific ones or limiting), screens, video games, etc. The list is endless.
The most important thing is for the Mistress to have FUN with this and for the submissive to have to work hard for their rewards. Their punishments should make them miserable! I remove points whenever my submissive does anything I don’t like. For example he played an April Fool’s joke on me. I don’t like that. I docked him 25 points and when he came to see me after our 1 month isolation I gave him a large number of painful welts on his ass and inner thighs that he still had 2 days later 😈
This made ME very happy and that’s all that truly matters!
I also have recurring items set up… he HAS to wear his cage 1 day a week and he HAS to wear panties 2 days a week. If he fails, points are removed. If he wears either, more than his allotted time, points are added.
Set up your own systems, it’s very enjoyable and the limit is your imagination 😉
~ By Rain Star
Author: Rain Star
Mistress Rain began her writing career at a very early age. She's published almost a dozen novels (under a different pseudonym), has written for television and film and spends much of her time with her nose buried in the furry coat of her constant canine companion. The rest of her time is spent telling her stable of subs what they can do for her.