When I found my very first submissive (online) I didn’t identify as a Top or Mistress yet. What drew me to him were his alternate looks. In the first several photos he wore a suit. In another, a collar and in a third, make-up and a collar. What struck me was that I could bring him home to meet the family who would think he was conservative like them. But underneath it all, he was like me, alternative and fun.
One topic I come back to, over and over and over again is: who knows the real you? And by “you” I mean you, me, us, anyone.
We all have many different sides, many different passions. This particular submissive, sissybitch, feels that unless someone knows a specific number of things about him, they don’t fully know him. One of those things is his propensity for kink, being submissive and most importantly, his need to fully inhabit his female persona. Thus, he feels that his parents don’t truly know him and neither do most of his friends.
I, like you, and everyone else on this planet, have many sides. I have many different passions, beliefs and even personas. I have my work persona. My Mistress persona. I have my performer persona. My artistic persona. My dog mom persona. My author persona. I am one way with acquaintances and another way with my friends. I am very different with my kinky friends and most people will never meet my sadistic Mistress self. I have a traveling self and a sober alcoholic self. There are key things in my life, things I do every single day, things that define me as a person, that my parents will never know about me. But I do not believe that this means my parents or my friends don’t truly know me though some do not.
My own definition of self is defined by two things. The one-word core of who I am, my go-to emotion. And my qualities. Morals play into this a bit too but that gets stickier so I’ll focus on the first two.
My go-to emotion is excitement. I get excited over the smallest things, every single day. I may not jump up and down or even express it in words but I feel it inside. It’s a welling up of joy that permeates everything I do whether that event is merely writing a blog post, going to see a theater production, traveling to some distant place, meeting a friend or whipping a submissive. The qualities I believe in and embody are: optimism, freedom and compassion.
Anyone who takes the time to get to know me, knows these things about me. I don’t say them, they’re who I am. And if someone sees the real me, the true me, they see all of these things. What I do, that people in my life don’t know about, is not what defines me.
I’m not saying it’s this way for everyone or that everyone should believe this. What’s true for me, for example, is not true for sissybitch. He believes that people need to know certain things about him and his life to know the real him, and that’s fantastic.
I find this topic fascinating and will keep asking others how they feel about this subject. Always learning.
Thank you for reading!
I was reading an article in the Atlantic last night about whether or not males and females could be platonic friends. This topic has incensed me for as long as I can remember and not only because it doesn't take non-binary gender identification into account but that is one aspect.
I've always had male friends. My best friend in 1st grade was a boy. My best friend now is a man. And no, I never fucked (or even kissed) my 1st grade BFF though I have fucked my current BFF but it was 15 years ago and we've been friends since without fucking!
When I was a teen my father told me that any guy who wanted to be my friend only wanted to fuck me. He told me that men are only interested in one thing and that any man who says he wants to be platonic friends with me is lying. Thankfully, even at that age, I knew my dad was an asshole and I didn't listen to him! But it stuck with me because I believe a lot of people think this way and I have a huge issue with it.
1. Who cares if the guy (or other) is in it for sex? That doesn't mean anyone (male or female or other) has to put out.
2. There are so many levels of attraction and intimacy - sex is but one.
My last "boyfriend", a disaster LTR from the get-go, was supremely jealous of my male BFF and all my other male friends. He was insecure and distrustful and every time I spent time with my BFF my ex would text incessantly and then pick huge fights with me. In the end I realized that men like him (and my father) are the exact men my father warned me about. It's not that all men want to fuck all women, it's that my dad and my ex-bf wanted to fuck all the women they were "friends" with. It was THEIR issue.
Obviously if someone I'm with is jealous of my male (or agender) friends, that's a huge red flag and not something I will ever put up with again. But can male and females be platonic friends without fucking? OF COURSE WE CAN!!!!! What a ridiculous question!!!!!
The Atlantic article uses movies as one example of how "difficult" it is, siting all the friends to lovers movies. That's because FTL is a TROPE!!!! It doesn't mean it's real life!!! Does it happen in RL, of course it does but both parties have to be invested in that outcome, attracted to each other and have a slew of other predilections.
All of that said (or preached) -- I freely admit that my BFF and I can be so close because we already fucked and got it out of the way. We knew we weren't good together - this has nothing to do with the actual sex and all to do with us as people. We tried, we failed. We are such fantastic friends that I'd never want to do anything to compromise that again and in my experience, sex compromises things. Plus he's not submissive - LOL. But he listens without judgment when I talk about anything and everything. He's the one I call at midnight when my dog is sick. He's the one I turn to when I'm sad and need a shoulder to sniffle on. He's everything a BFF should be and our relationship is 100% platonic.
He's not the only platonic male friend I have either. I have many (that I've never fucked) and they're all amazing, just as my platonic female friends are. Which brings me to another point. I'm pansexual but I don't fuck my platonic female, trans or non-binary friends either!
Thinking that m/f/o can't be "friends only" is disrespectful. The idea that we can't have friends we don't fuck is saying that no one has boundaries, no one can say no to sex, no one has morals, no one can control themselves. So go make friends with other genders and if anyone in your life has a problem with that, know it's their problem, not yours.
This is a blog post about what vanilla women think about submissives vs the truth.
I have found that most submissive's are quite chivalrous. One of my favorite Mistresses, Scarlet, has a great blog post called “Ladies - adopt the lifestyle” in which she explains that submissive men are not doormats. I completely agree and below is a real life example from last night.
When I talk to my vanilla female friends about dating submissive men, they all say the same thing. A submissive man could never make them feel safe. A submissive man could never protect them. A submissive man could never be an alpha. They could never be attracted to a submissive man could because they don't possess all of the qualities these women associate an alpha man of their fantasies. A man that doesn’t exist, in my opinion. These women have never dated a submissive. If they had, they would know that there ideals are poppycock. Their perceptions are unrealistic and false.
A submissive man does protect his partner. He protects her, keeps her safe, puts her needs first, and he serves her. A submissive man may very well look like an alpha in public. A doting, thoughtful alpha.
Here’s My real life example from last night…
I attended a circus show with a submissive I am currently dating. For the purposes of this blog, I’ll refer to him as My sissy slut, slut for short.
As a gentleman, slut opens doors for me, including the car door. He holds my bags, he lets me lead, he makes me dinner, he does the dishes, he dries me after my showers, he even wears my favorite colors. He is thoughtful and kind. While all of these qualities are to be expected, not everyone inhabits them, and I appreciate them for what they are, and for the effort he makes on my behalf.
At the circus show last night, the stage was smallish. Slut and I sat front row center. One of the acts was a performer on the Cyr wheel. If you want to see what that is, click here.
The wheel is large, metal, and quite intimidating. Early in the performance he dropped the wheel, picked it up and kept going. No harm, no foul. It happened again. The audience clapped for support. The performer was quite good but the stage was too small. He moved his wheel closer to the back of the stage, but during a fancy move, it caught on the backdrop, almost bringing the entire thing crashing down. He tore off bits of the hanging tinsel and eventually straightened the wheel and returned to his act. His compensation was to move the wheel closer to the edge of the stage, where the audience and I were. During parts of his performance he was riding the center of the wheel, twisting and turning as it spun. And at other parts he let go of the wheel where it traveled in a lazy circle around him until he reached out and caught it again.
After he moved closer to the front of the stage he let go of his wheel for a boomerang circle and it came precariously close to the edge. I exchanged furtive glances with the girl across the aisle, and we both placed our hands upon our hearts in a compensatory gesture. I leaned to the side and whispered in slut’s ear, "you will protect me, won't you?"
He whispered back, "I've got you.”
The moment did happen… The performer let go of the wheel, it spun, almost in slow motion around him and then it catapulted itself off the stage, and straight for our heads. In a split second, slut was on his feet, catching the huge wheel in mid-air and handing it back to the performer as though it was a rehearsed part of the show.
When he returned to his seat I whispered, “you’re My hero.”
At the end of the show the performer came and thanked him, and so did the stage manager. Slut saved, not only me, but the entire front row from what could have been a harrowing and dangerous disaster.
This is just one example of how a submissive male is even more of a fierce protector of his mate’s safety!
And yes, his chivalry was well rewarded.
~ Rain Star
I find ghosting a very interesting topic. Years ago my therapist said “no answer IS an answer” and I definitely agree. We had (and continue to have) conversations about people’s comfort levels when it comes to honesty and conflict. Many people are conflict averse and I understand that. As a woman who grew up in an unsafe environment, conflict was to be avoided at all costs. At a young age I was taught (through action) that conflict caused severe pain, often physical and often left scars that lasted a lifetime. Conflict is also emotionally jarring and most people don’t like to experience discomfort.
I used to tell people how I felt (in a way that wasn’t attacking) when I no longer wanted to speak to them and I assume most people have tried this tactic as well. Unfortunately it was often met with defensiveness and lashing out. Rarely did the person say, “I understand, your experiences are valid and I wish you the best.”
At this point in my life I mostly reserve ghosting for people I’ve never met in person. Usually it’s someone I’ve spoken to only over text. They’ll say something or present with a personality trait that is a show stopper for me. Nine times out of ten I’ll tell them I’m no longer interested, they’ll continue to contact me and I’ll ghost them. Most of the time I do give fair warning first but not always. In one case a person told me they no longer wanted to see me and then contacted me a month or two later and I didn’t respond because really, what was there to say?
Recently someone I had several dates with ghosted me and it really irked me, which is why I’m blogging about it. I thought things were progressing. I contemplated the D/s contract I would offer him, but there was something amiss. I sensed it early on and even brought it to his attention. He asked me to give him a chance. I did and then I was ghosted. I think the ghosting in itself wouldn’t be that big of a deal if this wasn’t the 3rd submissive that’s done something similar to me in less than a year.
Here I have to back up and intend to write another blog about this subject but I’ll touch on it here as it’s important to the story.
I’m not looking for any more play partners, I have plenty. What I am looking for is a submissive LTR to be my primary. I’m up front with my wants and desires. When I date/interview new subs for this position I don’t offer intimacy or play. I prefer to get to know someone first. For play partners it’s different.
I always tell potential LTR subs that I move slowly, because I do. Part of it is definitely a test. If they’re only looking for sex or sexual satisfaction, they can move on. I’m looking for a deeper connection to fulfill this role. Plus, I’m picky and intolerant of bullsh*t. When I started this particular journey last January 2019, there were several subs that were only looking for sex because as soon as I removed that from the table, they were gone.
A more recent one stated he understood my requirements and also moved slowly. We went on several dates and then he was gone. On the last date he told me about his propensity to ghost women he didn’t want to be with and, on retrospect, I realize he was setting me up. But NO. No, no, no, no! I don’t care how uncomfortable conflict is for you. Grow some f*cking ovaries and tell the Dominant woman that it’s not working for you and you’re moving on. Otherwise you’re a bad submissive IMO, you’ve just disrespected a woman! A Dominant woman at that.
If you respect someone or claim to, you tell them. You don’t have to go into a story and should never hurl insults. All you have to say is “this isn’t working for me” — no reason is needed. By ghosting someone you’ve been on several dates with, you’re saying, “you mean so little to me (I think so little of you) that you’re not even worth the time it would take for me to say goodbye.”
For the person on the receiving end it truly feels like we’ve thrown out and discarded like rubbish.
So yes, ghosting is still an answer — this person ghosting me is still saying “I don’t want to see you again” but it’s not taking my feelings into consideration and that’s worse. It’s immature and hurtful and as a Dominant woman it makes me want to tie him to a chair and beat the crap out of him or leave him bound in a cage in full deprivation for several days. Too bad for him, that’ll never happen now.
~ Rain Star
During my past several months of interviewing potential subs I've heard countless stories of men and women who married vanilla hoping they could deny their true desires. Hell, I'm a real life example of this as well. I've been in several long term relationships but only a couple of them were D/s and less than a handful were kinky.
I think the first and most important aspect is to define who you are and what you want. What will you settle for and what won't you?
I have a friend with two lovely children and a husband who adores her but they're vanilla and mono and she wants to be kinky and open. We had a difficult conversation yesterday because she only has a few choices. She can tell her husband she wants to be open but she's tried this before and he was not on board. She can cheat but she says she doesn't want to do that and I personally advised against it. Or she can deny her desires and stay in her relationship. Her situation is made more complicated by a 3rd party who has professed his love for her and who she is extremely attracted to. She can't stop obsessing about this man. I told her that it's not the man, it's something bigger, a need she's not getting met in her life. She asked my advice and I told her to run the other way and cut off all contact with the new object of her obsession. But I doubt she will. I suspect she'll cheat and stay, feel guilty and then it will come out and she'll lose both men - her husband and her amor.
I use this as an example. Settling and compromising is not wrong. And timing is everything. She chose to marry a mono, vanilla man so she either has to let him go and pursue her own dreams and desires or wait until her kids are grown to do that. It's a common choice. The sub I'm currently seeing had to make the same one. He's now divorced with two kids that still live at home. But he's happier and I think kids sense that. If we're happier and more present and getting our needs met, so is our support group and our families.
The one thing that stands out is that it's never too late. It's never too late to become who you truly are, to settle into a new you, to try new things and to live your life to its fullest.
Most of us are not supported emotionally if we choose to come out as kinky and proud. But we can have both. We can have our cock and we can eat it too... or not.
~ Rain Star
I look at most relationships in the real world through the lens of D/s. This goes for couples who have never heard of D/s to people’s pets.
Before I embraced the lifestyle and my Dominant self, I was in a long-term marriage. One that was highly abusive and in retrospect a non-consensual D/s relationship. It took me years to unpack it all but when I finally did; I realized I was the submissive and my ex-husband was the Dominant except that I didn’t have a choice. Everything I did was criticized and torn apart. If I wasn’t earning money to support him, then I’d better be cleaning the house for him or getting him off sexually. He never cleaned the house, not once in 20 years. He hardly even showered (maybe once a week after two days of begging from me). He rarely contributed to the household finances. And he almost never got me off. I can count on two hands how many orgasms he gave me in the two decades we were together. Sad? Yes! Worse than sad, it was horrible. And yet I stayed, far too young to know better. Until I finally realized what was happening, and left.
This was my first backwards look into non-consensual D/s. But in reality I had known it all along. I’d grown up with it. My father was Dominant over me and my mother. He made me kneel or lay face down at his feet, while he pointed and laughed. He screamed at my mother but he kept the corporeal punishment for me and he loved it. A true sadist, in the sickest sense of the word. He would laugh gleefully as he beat me, naked, splayed over his lap, night after night after night.
In his third marriage and my mother’s third long term relationship, they’ve continued the pattern. My mother is the Dominant in her relationship and my father and his wife fight for Dominance in theirs. Both relationships are extremely abusive with each couple calling their significant other’s horrible names.
My mother often says to her boyfriend, “you’re such an idiot. You can’t do anything right. You’re a waste of space.” And so on.
My father and his wife put each other down incessantly. Both couples do it in public, seemingly unaware of how uncomfortable other people feel around their constant outbursts.
Staying unconscious is easier. It’s uglier, and it’s detrimental to all but it’s easier than taking responsibility for your own shit and consciously choosing a different way of life. Thus my sister carried the torch. She is Dominant over her husband, also in a highly abusive manner. Screaming at him and calling him “useless” on a regular basis. One time my mother tried to intervene and her husband said, “no, it’s fine. I don’t mind.”
It took me years to understand. My mother’s partner and my sister’s husband are submissive men. But they don’t know how to be in healthy submissive relationships so they both picked domineering, abusive women. Do I think they’re actually happy? Not at all. But I do think they’re getting some type of fulfillment and I also know that it’s all unconscious. They probably can’t even face the truth of who they really are, let alone seek out a healthy Dominant FLR.
I have another friend who is happily married, knows nothing of kink but has told me that her husband is happy to take a back seat to her and let her lead. She doesn’t yell at him or abuse him but they both know she’s in charge! I call this an unconscious D/s relationship and they can be healthy.
The other day I was speaking with a sub and mentioned that I think cats are Doms/Dommes and dogs are subs. Because I can lay this context over pretty much everything and it will fit. What other wonders will we discover?…
Last week someone said something that rubbed me the wrong way. This in itself isn't unusual, it happens to all of us, all the time. But this time, it stuck with me and thus, earned a blog post.
The conversation began about exercise. He made some comment about working out in relation to older *women. I commented on the fact that so many women in our county exercise regardless of age. His next comment was: "Yes, I've noticed how many women here keep in shape and I realized it was to keep their men from looking at other women."
I had to refrain myself from lunging at his throat. Especially when he turned to me said, "don't you agree." HELL NO I DO NOT AGREE and I told him so.
Why is it perceived by some men that everything a woman does is to look good for them?
I think my response was something like, "Are you f-ing kidding me? Why would any woman care if her man looked at other women? That's not a motivating factor for staying in shape. We do it because it makes US feel good. We don't do it for men!"
His comment was pejorative, and patronizing. It was assuming and ignorant. I know he's not a bad person but he's disgustingly misinformed. I can only assume he was projecting as well. Maybe he's had a woman he was dating, ogle another man and it made him feel "less then".
I can also surmise that each woman's reason for getting and staying fit may be different as well, but to assume that ALL women do it to please a man and keep his eyes from wandering is disgusting, untrue and highly offensive.
An aside about the wandering eye. Many dominant men have such an affliction. The better ones learn to control it. To be ogled by a man in public does not feel good, to most women. To be objectified is to be compartmentalized, slapped into the sex box and seen as an object whose only benefit is to sexually gratify a man. Most bisexual women, non-binary, trans and lesbians do not do this. So if a man's eye wanders IMO, it has absolutely nothing to do with the woman (or man) he's with. It wanders because he hasn't learned to control himself and respect a woman's space. It doesn't matter whether his girlfriend or wife is thin or not, young and gorgeous or not, rich and successful or not. A man with a wandering eye has little insight into himself or how he is perceived by others. I've seen men ogle others while adorned with a gorgeous women propped on their arm.
This "issue" is about the male's character, not about the female's fitness regime or lack thereof.
*women is the term I'm using for all people who identify as female.
I went to my first slave/sub auction over the weekend! I didn't know what to expect but I didn't expect to love it as much as I did!
The slaves were displayed in the main room, each dressed up, or mostly naked and each holding a card with their likes, their pronouns and whether they were available for that night only or future play. They were all submissive, regardless of gender and non-binary status, though some identified as switches.
Female identified Domme's only paraded through the room, reading each sub's card and talking to them for a few minutes. There were over 40 subs and I got through 4 of them in the time allotted. I love to talk!
Everyone I spoke to was interesting, sexy and quite desireable. And while I've engaged in public play, it's not my favorite. I was clear that I wasn't looking for public play that evening but I still bought one slave and we exchanged information.
My "reason" for being there though was a second date with a potential LTR submissive. We met there but he wasn't allowed into the viewing room or the auction. He was observing as opposed to participating.
The auction ("fake" money only): not all the slaves were bought and the ones that weren't were given vouchers to engage in play with a house top later in the evening. Two slaves elicited a bidding war. One was offering a full body massage for that evening only and the other was gorgeous, but so were a lot of the slaves so I'm not sure exactly why she went for $10K but she did. Several Domme's bought several slaves. And there were so many to choose from. All sizes, shapes, ages, colors and levels of feminization or none at all.
I enjoyed standing around and watching the chattel much more than I thought I would.
We stayed after the auction for only a short time. I perused the dungeon but having seen it all before I've found I'm much less of a voyeur than I used to be. Eventually we headed for a coffee shop up the street to talk and eat.
All in all, it was a lovely evening, especially the conversations and eye candy. It is said that the brain is the largest erogenous zone!!
Since embarking on my full fledged femdom journey I’ve interviewed a myriad of potential submissives. I’m not interested in needy, annoying, disrespectful, nasty, sarcastic, abusive, bratty, manipulative, narcissistic, anyone who is broke and looking for a free ride, a substance abuser, a woman hater/mysoginist, someone who thinks they’re better than me, anyone who is controlling or passive aggressive. I shouldn’t have to cough up that list but unfortunately I do because I’ve encountered some of these.
At first I tried to be kind and say I wasn’t interested. Some respected my words, as not only a good submissive should but EVERYONE should! But others just got needier and more annoying. One continues to contact me, creating different FL profiles and continuing to send me emails which I ignore and block.
Another was so disrespectful when I met him in person that I told him I wasn’t interested but he couldn’t take no for an answer. That is abusive behavior! Again, I tried to be nice but firm. He took this to mean I wanted to keep talking to him. I didn’t. I finally gave him a rule and told him if he broke it, he would be blocked forever. He broke it quickly. I blocked him. He tried to reach me through every channel possible. I blocked him on every channel without responding. This is not endearing in any way. This is STALKING!
D/s aside - if someone says they’re not interested and don’t want to speak to you again - leave them the fuck alone!
Does this mean I’m no longer nice to potential submissives? It does not. I lay out my boundaries and if they break any of them, I’m done. I don’t have the time or the patience. I have numerous people contacting me daily and I have several submissive play partners that are amazing and keep me quite happy.
My first taste of the lifestyle was with a submissive almost 15 years ago. I wasn't ready to submerge myself at that time but I loved the exploration. We were on and off for many years. I experienced a new sense of freedom and excitement that exceeded my wildest dreams.
In the end I fell in love with him and he fell in love with someone else. It wasn't meant to be and I took my ravaged heart and moved on. What I didn't realize at that time is that I was play acting. I wasn't a true Domme, I was trying it on, like an ill-fitting outfit.
Years and two long term relationships chugged by but I never forgot my first sissy sub. There were a lot of things I adored about him. His kinks were hot, he was fun to hang out with, his intellect was just as sexy as the rest of him and he was and still is, the best cook I’ve ever known. After a brutal breakup in 2018, I contacted him again and he responded, available/ish and interested in another go around.
We had a six week contract and I jumped in this time with both feet. I read books, I got a mentor, I talked to quite a few other Domme’s and I followed my intuition.
What I discovered is that I’m good at it and I love it. I found out that I am a sadist, in the healthiest sense of the word. I am interested in all the ways I can make someone squirm and it turns me on immensely to do so.
My sissy sub and I embarked on a fun filled six weeks (fun for me = torture for him) but he wasn’t at the right place for anything more and it wasn’t the right time for either one of us. Instead we remain friends, for now.
Author: Rain Star
Mistress Rain began her writing career at a very early age. She's published almost a dozen novels (under a different pseudonym), has written for television and film and spends much of her time with her nose buried in the furry coat of her constant canine companion. The rest of her time is spent telling her stable of subs what they can do for her.