On Being a Sober Dominatrix
I’m clean and sober and I have been for almost 12 years. But what does this have to do with Topping? EVERYTHING! It has abso-fucking-lutely everything to do with who I am and how I Top. I wrote a cockstomping blog before this one but you’ll have to wait for that because this is currently on my mind.
Because I don’t drink or use, I’m never not “in my right mind”. I don’t have excuses and I don’t use made-up reasons for who or what I am. Not only am I clean and sober, I’m in several 12 step programs and have been in weekly therapy for almost 2 decades. I don’t say this to brag. I say this because I know why I am Dominant and if I choose to play mind games with a submissive, it’s planned and it’s also in good fun. I am not passive aggressive, I don’t have some fucked up agenda. Now maybe some bottoms are looking for that and that’s fine, but they’re not going to find it here.
I also think sobriety is important during BDSM play especially. There is always the possibility that someone can get hurt, temporarily or even permanently. Alcohol and drugs up that ante. Not only are inhibitions lowered while imbibing, but so is common sense. And, also of utmost importance, pain receptors are dulled. Combine this with the hormones that are released, for both the Dominant and the submissive and you have a potent cocktail that could lead to tragedy.
My sober journey was long and steep. I didn’t hit a bottom like so many of my friends did. I didn’t go to jail but I could have. I did everything wrong and illegal and screwed up. I got lucky. That said, my life was not rosey. It was a hellish nightmare. And yet, I’m truly grateful for those years. It taught me what I do and what I don’t want. My birth family are all active alcoholics. They are sick and abusive and nasty people. They play mind games, gaslight, physically and emotionally cripple one another and make up meaningless daily dramas. I watch from afar. Sometimes I can find humor in the situation, but most of the time I have to disconnect completely.
The reason I decided to blog about sobriety is because I get a lot of emails on Fet from people who use. They’re either super into alcohol or they’re super into pot. These are huge red flags for me. I can’t waste my time talking to active addicts, unless they’re asking for help. Why? Because I’m not talking to a person, I’m talking to their drugs. I didn’t even know who I truly was until I’d been clean and sober for several years and… I keep evolving but in a healthy way, not in a fucked up way. And yes I am told this by my trained therapist :)
Do I think there are true “normies” as they’re called in program? A normie is someone who can use but not to excess. They drink “normally”. Sure, I do think those people exist but in my experience, they’re rare. Most of the people I’ve met who call themselves normies “need a drink” when XYZ happens. “Needing a drink” is alcoholic speak. Most of these people have major personality changes when they’re drunk. This too is a pretty good indicator that you’re an alcoholic. Regardless, I have no desire to be around most people who are drinking. When I’m in a business setting I may have little choice but in my personal life I have every right.
So yeah, if you use drugs, alcohol or both to excess, don’t contact me unless you want to be pointed to a 12 step program or a treatment center. I am not interested in interacting with people’s addictions and quite frankly you have nothing to offer yourself so there’s no way in hell you have anything to offer me or society. Harsh words but true ones. If you want to get help, it’s out there, everywhere. My local kink club even offers 12 step meetings for addicts and I bet yours does too!
Here's the 20 question AA "quiz" to see if you qualify, you can substitute your drug of choice for the word alcohol. (ie: pot, adderall, valium, oxy, etc.)
I wish you only the best. Live to your fullest potential!
Long Distance Domination AKA: Being Dominated by your Mistress in Times of Covid
I’m not a long distance Domme, however this blog will cover just that. During this time of coronavirus/Covid-19, I spent a month in isolation without seeing my submissive face-to-face.
A couple of months ago I wanted to develop a rewards/punishments system for my primary submissive. I spoke with another Domme who uses colored marbles and while there are elements I like about this, it doesn’t work for me.
The positives about a physical reward system: They are always visible. The bottom can touch and play with them. They represent a further level of engagement.
The negatives about a physical reward system: If the Mistress and sub/slave don’t live together, they can only be in one person’s house. If they’re in the sub/slave’s house, the Mistress must trust them not to add more than they’ve earned and/or keep her own count separately. There is more room for error.
I chose a free app called “Our Home” and I love it. It works on android and iPhone (I have one platform and my sub has the other and it works seamlessly). The sub is given points for doing things the Mistress requires and they lose points for non-compliance - or anything else the Mistress deems negative.
After the sub earns a certain number of points he may exchange them for rewards. My sub’s main reward is masturbation. Since I control his little clitty and he arrived without proper training and a high sex drive, he was used to masturbating daily. When he became MINE, he is now allowed to come once a week, on his own without extra points. If he can accrue 250 points he may masturbate again.
Our Home has categories but I added new ones like “sex” and “service”. Before Covid isolation my sub had many opportunities to earn points. He could do service, like vacuum my house, do my dishes, make dinner and earn points. He also earned points by going on an hour hike with me, worshiping my body (which was a reward at first), giving me orgasms, etc. After Covid isolation I had to think of ways he could earn points while we weren’t together.
One of my most favorite things is chastity. If my sub wears his cage for a full day, he gains points. My other favorites are feminization, sissification and cross dressing. If my sub wears panties all day, he gains more points. Since he can no longer go to the gym, and he was a gym rat, he gains points for exercising on his own. And so on.
I added other rewards my sub could claim when we weren’t together but masturbation is his favorite, though he must ALWAYS ask permission prior to engaging in it.
There are plenty of other ways to Dominate a sub while remaining apart, both in rewards and punishments. With rewards there can be phone sex and video sex (use the Signal app for these as it’s encrypted). And, many couples like more micro-managing though I do not. If you’re one of those parties that does, there are other things to add. Some of these include: food choices, eating times, exercise choices and times, house cleaning or just picking up after oneself, specific books or articles to read, tv or movie watching (both specific ones or limiting), screens, video games, etc. The list is endless.
The most important thing is for the Mistress to have FUN with this and for the submissive to have to work hard for their rewards. Their punishments should make them miserable! I remove points whenever my submissive does anything I don’t like. For example he played an April Fool’s joke on me. I don’t like that. I docked him 25 points and when he came to see me after our 1 month isolation I gave him a large number of painful welts on his ass and inner thighs that he still had 2 days later 😈
This made ME very happy and that’s all that truly matters!
I also have recurring items set up… he HAS to wear his cage 1 day a week and he HAS to wear panties 2 days a week. If he fails, points are removed. If he wears either, more than his allotted time, points are added.
Set up your own systems, it’s very enjoyable and the limit is your imagination 😉
~ By Rain Star
What is a submissive?
What does it mean to be truly submissive? Are there variants? Yes and no. There are many people who identify as switches and can be a Top or bottom but a true submissive is a very different creature. While a true submissive can “play” Top if need be, it makes them uncomfortable and it simply doesn’t feel right. It’s total play acting and some cannot even get sexually excited over it.
While there are a plethora of different types of submissives, the psychology that lays behind what makes each person submissive is relatively similar. The different types are dependent on what gets them off.
Several types of submissives (this is not a full list):
What every “true” submissive has in common is their need to be Dominated. There are various degrees of course, such as 24/7 or only in the bedroom but every single submissive I know is wired similarly. They want to be told what to do, they need to be told what to do, they crave it. It’s a turn on for them and so is making their Mistress or Master happy. This is their true nature. They are here to serve and if they aren’t serving someone, in some way, they are unfulfilled.
~ Rain Star
I’ve been reticent to write about findom, although I’ve wanted to address it for a long time.
I do not practice findom in the sense of having a submissive give me money for my rent or household expenses. My reasons for this are simply because it doesn’t feel right for me. However, I do not wish to judge those who do practice it on an ethical level. I was raised in an old-fashioned household where the man went to work all day and the woman stayed home and raised the children. I hated that outdated paradigm. It felt fundamentally wrong to me. From an early age I knew I never wanted to be financially dependent on anyone. I would earn my own way and I have.
One example of a findom relationship that works: I have a friend (not kinky or in a D/s relationship) who decided she did want a man to support her and she went on a transparent dating website. She found a doctor who wanted to give her money for dating him and for awhile it worked. What made it work, in my opinion, was the transparency. She told him up front that she needed financial help. She explained she wasn’t going to exchange sex for money but she was hoping to receive money for her time. They dated for a few months, during which time he happily paid her rent and more. She was attracted to him and they even tried a physical relationship which worked for awhile until it didn’t. But what stands out for me again, is the transparency. Both people understood their roles. They both said up front what they wanted and what they didn’t.
One example of a findom relationship that didn’t work: I know of another story, this one D/s where the sub desperately wanted to please his Mistress. They were in a long distance relationship and one of the ways he felt he could contribute was financially. This was his choice and it pleased both parties. However, the Mistress found out that the sub was giving her money he couldn’t afford to give. He was so enamored by her and wanted to please her so much that he ended up going into debt in order to do so. I’ve actually heard of this happening several times. This is one example of findom not working because of a submissive’s lack of transparency.
My update: I have a submissive sissy. We've been together off and on for twenty years. We're very good friends. He loves findom, it gets him off and he can afford it. When we first explored it together, 18 months ago, it didn't do anything for me. Recently we explored it again and it was really great for both of us. He bought me a hot fetish outfit that I'll wear for another submissive and tell him all about it. We spent several hours exploring our fantasies and past scenes that we had together, twenty years ago. And I loved it. I never thought I would but this particular person has taught me so much about myself. He encourages me to grow in ways I never thought I could, all while remaining completely submissive to me. So while I do not consider myself a FinDom, it works with him. I also realized that in order for it to work for me, I have to know and trust the submissive implicitly, which leads back to the need for transparency.
The worst example of bad findom: This one pisses me off the most. It’s is when the Top is not transparent. I have a sub who dated a Domme that was looking for a sugar daddy. Instead of communicating her desires up front, as any responsible Dominant (male or Female) should do, this woman was dishonest. She asked the sub out on a date. He suggested coffee. She suggested dinner. He agreed and, being submissive, let her pick the restaurant. She picked the most expensive restaurant in her county, without asking him if he felt comfortable with it, or discussing who would pay. She led him on. She used him. She played him. The poor submissive showed up and when the Mistress asked him if he drank, he said no. She then proceeded to order several of the most expensive drinks on the menu. After the dinner was over she expected him to pay. She did not ask him to pay, it was expected. There was zero communication around this. She even ordered another drink, on his tab, as they were leaving. This is despicable. I cannot think of many things that are more disrespectful than this. The poor sub didn’t know what hit him. He was upset over the interaction but he didn’t understand that she was using him, until I explained it. I spoke to several Domme’s and Mistresses about it and all of them were shocked by this woman’s behavior.
This is findom at its worst. This is flat out using someone. It’s taking advantage of a submissive’s good nature and it’s disgusting.
So don’t be a sub that spends money they don’t have and don’t you dare be a Top that spends other people’s money without their prior consent!
Traveling in a D/s Relationship
My primary and I recently took our first trip together (to Mexico) and it was amazing. I consider myself an easy traveler but I have found that relationships can be put to the test with travel. I'm happy to report that he passed with flying colors (especially the color red - on his ass 😈).
When traveling, one has to be in vanilla mode in public but just because we appear vanilla, it doesn't mean that we are. He is often in a chastity cage under his clothes and more often than not, he's wearing a lacy thong or satin panties. I love it when he does this for two reasons. I love a sissy man in lingerie, it turns me on but more than that is his distress over being caught. That turns me on even more!
His suitcase was much larger than mine because it was full of toys. Of course, customs went through it all and left behind the proof but unfortunately, they didn't open it in front of him. An aside: I had that happen once when I had a carry-on. The TSA agent opened my bag and pulled out skeins of rope. She cocked her head at me and I shrugged and said "rock climbing". Had she delved even one layer further, she would have found my strap on. 😂
I may be a pampered Mistress but I pride myself on being low maintenance and this comes out mostly when I'm traveling. Last year I spent six weeks traveling through four European countries by myself with nothing more than a carry on. It's my happy place. On this trip I brought only my favorite small impact play impliment. As mentioned in my last post, I don't need much to initiate play. I have my fingernails and my teeth and I use them often, gleefully marking my territory.
We did stop in a leather store looking for some sandals for my primary and I found a six foot whip. Never having used one before I grabbed it and tried. The people working in the store snickered. I handed it to one of them and he was able to crack it over and over. He handed it back and I attempted but failed. My primary began taking photos and I stretched out and cracked him in the ass with it. Motivation. The people working shrieked in delight and immediately started talking to each other in Spanish. After haggling a fair price, I practiced with the whip in our hotel room and by the time we left Mexico I was able to crack it nicely.
Our trip was so fantastic that we've booked another one in May. Traveling in a D/s relationship is rewarding in so many ways. It gave us the one-on-one time we needed together to cement our connection. We got to know one another on a deeper level. He was able to show me just how much I matter to him and I was able to show him just how much I love marking him as MINE.
~ Rain Star
Femdom Dominance Without a Budget
Sometimes a Domme has to improvise. I confess that I rarely set up scenes anymore. This leaves the improvisation free to grow and morph in some lovely ways.
Sometimes I look in my goodie-bag AKA toy-bag and pick out something I feel like using. Other times I let my submissives do that with the understanding that I may or may not use what they pick.
I’ve been having fun with it, a lot of fun. I’m also learning that I may not be a typical Mistress. I don’t do things “by the book”. I’m not overly serious. This will be a future blog post.
Getting to the fun of it. One of my favorite nights was when I brought a roll of saran wrap to MYslut’s house.
A close friend of mine had told how much fun she was having with saran wrap combined with impact play, especially on her breasts.
I wrapped him in saran wrap from groin to shoulders and poked several holes. 2 for his nipples and 1 for his dick, which I yanked through. He was wearing a rubber cockring.
I went through his play-drawer and found nipple clamps which I attached gleefully. After pulling, tweaking and sensitizing them with the clamps I spun him around and kicked him, face down onto the bed. He yelped quite loudly, which he rarely does and I checked in with him. The force of his fall had felt like his nipples were being torn off. They weren't. But it hurt. A lot. He couldn’t put his hands out to slow himself down, nor bend backwards from his knees—the wrong way. I double checked to make sure nothing was amiss or missing, chuckled at his pain and continued on with his delicious torture. Impact play on his back and ass with a slapper and a riding crop.
When I flipped him over his fingers were bloody but his arms were still bound. I asked him why and he shrugged, trying his best to look innocent.
“Have you been touching yourself?” I narrowed my eyes, examining his cock and the ring.
His eyes widened and he nodded, sucking in a bottom lip.
He’d managed to work his hands underneath himself, between his legs and had played with himself. The rubber ring had left a few tiny abrasions. I had not explicitly told him not to but it was implied. Instead of punishing him further I decided a bleeding dick and the nipple torture was adequate.
The next day his nipples still hurt, but that just made me happier since it meant I was on his mind all day long and he was still suffering for ME.
Not long ago I was visiting a submissive and didn’t have my toy-bag. I’m good on the go, no matter what. I have my nails and my teeth, which I use quite often. I can’t help myself :)
This person likes CBT and so do I. I’d tied him up before and wanted to do it again but there was nothing usable around so I removed my long necklace (that winds around my neck 3 times) and I used that. It was incredible. It worked perfectly though it did take his balls a full day to stop aching, something he explained happens to him regularly. I did not leave it on too long and checked their temperature regularly. If they get too cold, all torture devices must be removed pronto. No-one wants permanent damage in that area.
With MYslut I have taken to using whatever is at hand for CBT. Last week I used the tie to a dress I was wearing. The next night I used the lace thong he was wearing. That was delicious fun as he was humiliated and suffering! It reminded me of the playground “wedgie”, which I tried to bring back that night.
I’ve seen BDSM jewelry that looks like regular jewelry. Like nipple clamp earrings and while I love the idea of this, I find it easier to use my fingers, fingernails and teeth. They get the job done, I always have them with me and it’s much more intimate.
I’d love to hear if anyone else has any ideas or items that they use (or like to have used on them) in a pinch ;)
Warning: If you’re new to BDSM don’t go full throttle at the beginning. Study, learn, take classes, talk to others in the lifestyle. Always get verbal consent prior to doing anything to anyone. Don’t cover someone’s face in saran wrap, they have to breathe. Don’t tear anyone’s nipples, or other body parts off. Don’t permanently damage anyone’s body parts. Don’t do anything stupid.
When I found my very first submissive (online) I didn’t identify as a Top or Mistress yet. What drew me to him were his alternate looks. In the first several photos he wore a suit. In another, a collar and in a third, make-up and a collar. What struck me was that I could bring him home to meet the family who would think he was conservative like them. But underneath it all, he was like me, alternative and fun.
One topic I come back to, over and over and over again is: who knows the real you? And by “you” I mean you, me, us, anyone.
We all have many different sides, many different passions. This particular submissive, sissybitch, feels that unless someone knows a specific number of things about him, they don’t fully know him. One of those things is his propensity for kink, being submissive and most importantly, his need to fully inhabit his female persona. Thus, he feels that his parents don’t truly know him and neither do most of his friends.
I, like you, and everyone else on this planet, have many sides. I have many different passions, beliefs and even personas. I have my work persona. My Mistress persona. I have my performer persona. My artistic persona. My dog mom persona. My author persona. I am one way with acquaintances and another way with my friends. I am very different with my kinky friends and most people will never meet my sadistic Mistress self. I have a traveling self and a sober alcoholic self. There are key things in my life, things I do every single day, things that define me as a person, that my parents will never know about me. But I do not believe that this means my parents or my friends don’t truly know me though some do not.
My own definition of self is defined by two things. The one-word core of who I am, my go-to emotion. And my qualities. Morals play into this a bit too but that gets stickier so I’ll focus on the first two.
My go-to emotion is excitement. I get excited over the smallest things, every single day. I may not jump up and down or even express it in words but I feel it inside. It’s a welling up of joy that permeates everything I do whether that event is merely writing a blog post, going to see a theater production, traveling to some distant place, meeting a friend or whipping a submissive. The qualities I believe in and embody are: optimism, freedom and compassion.
Anyone who takes the time to get to know me, knows these things about me. I don’t say them, they’re who I am. And if someone sees the real me, the true me, they see all of these things. What I do, that people in my life don’t know about, is not what defines me.
I’m not saying it’s this way for everyone or that everyone should believe this. What’s true for me, for example, is not true for sissybitch. He believes that people need to know certain things about him and his life to know the real him, and that’s fantastic.
I find this topic fascinating and will keep asking others how they feel about this subject. Always learning.
Thank you for reading!
I was reading an article in the Atlantic last night about whether or not males and females could be platonic friends. This topic has incensed me for as long as I can remember and not only because it doesn't take non-binary gender identification into account but that is one aspect.
I've always had male friends. My best friend in 1st grade was a boy. My best friend now is a man. And no, I never fucked (or even kissed) my 1st grade BFF though I have fucked my current BFF but it was 15 years ago and we've been friends since without fucking!
When I was a teen my father told me that any guy who wanted to be my friend only wanted to fuck me. He told me that men are only interested in one thing and that any man who says he wants to be platonic friends with me is lying. Thankfully, even at that age, I knew my dad was an asshole and I didn't listen to him! But it stuck with me because I believe a lot of people think this way and I have a huge issue with it.
1. Who cares if the guy (or other) is in it for sex? That doesn't mean anyone (male or female or other) has to put out.
2. There are so many levels of attraction and intimacy - sex is but one.
My last "boyfriend", a disaster LTR from the get-go, was supremely jealous of my male BFF and all my other male friends. He was insecure and distrustful and every time I spent time with my BFF my ex would text incessantly and then pick huge fights with me. In the end I realized that men like him (and my father) are the exact men my father warned me about. It's not that all men want to fuck all women, it's that my dad and my ex-bf wanted to fuck all the women they were "friends" with. It was THEIR issue.
Obviously if someone I'm with is jealous of my male (or agender) friends, that's a huge red flag and not something I will ever put up with again. But can male and females be platonic friends without fucking? OF COURSE WE CAN!!!!! What a ridiculous question!!!!!
The Atlantic article uses movies as one example of how "difficult" it is, siting all the friends to lovers movies. That's because FTL is a TROPE!!!! It doesn't mean it's real life!!! Does it happen in RL, of course it does but both parties have to be invested in that outcome, attracted to each other and have a slew of other predilections.
All of that said (or preached) -- I freely admit that my BFF and I can be so close because we already fucked and got it out of the way. We knew we weren't good together - this has nothing to do with the actual sex and all to do with us as people. We tried, we failed. We are such fantastic friends that I'd never want to do anything to compromise that again and in my experience, sex compromises things. Plus he's not submissive - LOL. But he listens without judgment when I talk about anything and everything. He's the one I call at midnight when my dog is sick. He's the one I turn to when I'm sad and need a shoulder to sniffle on. He's everything a BFF should be and our relationship is 100% platonic.
He's not the only platonic male friend I have either. I have many (that I've never fucked) and they're all amazing, just as my platonic female friends are. Which brings me to another point. I'm pansexual but I don't fuck my platonic female, trans or non-binary friends either!
Thinking that m/f/o can't be "friends only" is disrespectful. The idea that we can't have friends we don't fuck is saying that no one has boundaries, no one can say no to sex, no one has morals, no one can control themselves. So go make friends with other genders and if anyone in your life has a problem with that, know it's their problem, not yours.
This is a blog post about what vanilla women think about submissives vs the truth.
I have found that most submissive's are quite chivalrous. One of my favorite Mistresses, Scarlet, has a great blog post called “Ladies - adopt the lifestyle” in which she explains that submissive men are not doormats. I completely agree and below is a real life example from last night.
When I talk to my vanilla female friends about dating submissive men, they all say the same thing. A submissive man could never make them feel safe. A submissive man could never protect them. A submissive man could never be an alpha. They could never be attracted to a submissive man could because they don't possess all of the qualities these women associate an alpha man of their fantasies. A man that doesn’t exist, in my opinion. These women have never dated a submissive. If they had, they would know that there ideals are poppycock. Their perceptions are unrealistic and false.
A submissive man does protect his partner. He protects her, keeps her safe, puts her needs first, and he serves her. A submissive man may very well look like an alpha in public. A doting, thoughtful alpha.
Here’s My real life example from last night…
I attended a circus show with a submissive I am currently dating. For the purposes of this blog, I’ll refer to him as My sissy slut, slut for short.
As a gentleman, slut opens doors for me, including the car door. He holds my bags, he lets me lead, he makes me dinner, he does the dishes, he dries me after my showers, he even wears my favorite colors. He is thoughtful and kind. While all of these qualities are to be expected, not everyone inhabits them, and I appreciate them for what they are, and for the effort he makes on my behalf.
At the circus show last night, the stage was smallish. Slut and I sat front row center. One of the acts was a performer on the Cyr wheel. If you want to see what that is, click here.
The wheel is large, metal, and quite intimidating. Early in the performance he dropped the wheel, picked it up and kept going. No harm, no foul. It happened again. The audience clapped for support. The performer was quite good but the stage was too small. He moved his wheel closer to the back of the stage, but during a fancy move, it caught on the backdrop, almost bringing the entire thing crashing down. He tore off bits of the hanging tinsel and eventually straightened the wheel and returned to his act. His compensation was to move the wheel closer to the edge of the stage, where the audience and I were. During parts of his performance he was riding the center of the wheel, twisting and turning as it spun. And at other parts he let go of the wheel where it traveled in a lazy circle around him until he reached out and caught it again.
After he moved closer to the front of the stage he let go of his wheel for a boomerang circle and it came precariously close to the edge. I exchanged furtive glances with the girl across the aisle, and we both placed our hands upon our hearts in a compensatory gesture. I leaned to the side and whispered in slut’s ear, "you will protect me, won't you?"
He whispered back, "I've got you.”
The moment did happen… The performer let go of the wheel, it spun, almost in slow motion around him and then it catapulted itself off the stage, and straight for our heads. In a split second, slut was on his feet, catching the huge wheel in mid-air and handing it back to the performer as though it was a rehearsed part of the show.
When he returned to his seat I whispered, “you’re My hero.”
At the end of the show the performer came and thanked him, and so did the stage manager. Slut saved, not only me, but the entire front row from what could have been a harrowing and dangerous disaster.
This is just one example of how a submissive male is even more of a fierce protector of his mate’s safety!
And yes, his chivalry was well rewarded.
~ Rain Star
I find ghosting a very interesting topic. Years ago my therapist said “no answer IS an answer” and I definitely agree. We had (and continue to have) conversations about people’s comfort levels when it comes to honesty and conflict. Many people are conflict averse and I understand that. As a woman who grew up in an unsafe environment, conflict was to be avoided at all costs. At a young age I was taught (through action) that conflict caused severe pain, often physical and often left scars that lasted a lifetime. Conflict is also emotionally jarring and most people don’t like to experience discomfort.
I used to tell people how I felt (in a way that wasn’t attacking) when I no longer wanted to speak to them and I assume most people have tried this tactic as well. Unfortunately it was often met with defensiveness and lashing out. Rarely did the person say, “I understand, your experiences are valid and I wish you the best.”
At this point in my life I mostly reserve ghosting for people I’ve never met in person. Usually it’s someone I’ve spoken to only over text. They’ll say something or present with a personality trait that is a show stopper for me. Nine times out of ten I’ll tell them I’m no longer interested, they’ll continue to contact me and I’ll ghost them. Most of the time I do give fair warning first but not always. In one case a person told me they no longer wanted to see me and then contacted me a month or two later and I didn’t respond because really, what was there to say?
Recently someone I had several dates with ghosted me and it really irked me, which is why I’m blogging about it. I thought things were progressing. I contemplated the D/s contract I would offer him, but there was something amiss. I sensed it early on and even brought it to his attention. He asked me to give him a chance. I did and then I was ghosted. I think the ghosting in itself wouldn’t be that big of a deal if this wasn’t the 3rd submissive that’s done something similar to me in less than a year.
Here I have to back up and intend to write another blog about this subject but I’ll touch on it here as it’s important to the story.
I’m not looking for any more play partners, I have plenty. What I am looking for is a submissive LTR to be my primary. I’m up front with my wants and desires. When I date/interview new subs for this position I don’t offer intimacy or play. I prefer to get to know someone first. For play partners it’s different.
I always tell potential LTR subs that I move slowly, because I do. Part of it is definitely a test. If they’re only looking for sex or sexual satisfaction, they can move on. I’m looking for a deeper connection to fulfill this role. Plus, I’m picky and intolerant of bullsh*t. When I started this particular journey last January 2019, there were several subs that were only looking for sex because as soon as I removed that from the table, they were gone.
A more recent one stated he understood my requirements and also moved slowly. We went on several dates and then he was gone. On the last date he told me about his propensity to ghost women he didn’t want to be with and, on retrospect, I realize he was setting me up. But NO. No, no, no, no! I don’t care how uncomfortable conflict is for you. Grow some f*cking ovaries and tell the Dominant woman that it’s not working for you and you’re moving on. Otherwise you’re a bad submissive IMO, you’ve just disrespected a woman! A Dominant woman at that.
If you respect someone or claim to, you tell them. You don’t have to go into a story and should never hurl insults. All you have to say is “this isn’t working for me” — no reason is needed. By ghosting someone you’ve been on several dates with, you’re saying, “you mean so little to me (I think so little of you) that you’re not even worth the time it would take for me to say goodbye.”
For the person on the receiving end it truly feels like we’ve thrown out and discarded like rubbish.
So yes, ghosting is still an answer — this person ghosting me is still saying “I don’t want to see you again” but it’s not taking my feelings into consideration and that’s worse. It’s immature and hurtful and as a Dominant woman it makes me want to tie him to a chair and beat the crap out of him or leave him bound in a cage in full deprivation for several days. Too bad for him, that’ll never happen now.
~ Rain Star
Author: Rain Star
Mistress Rain began her writing career at a very early age. She's published almost a dozen novels (under a different pseudonym), has written for television and film and spends much of her time with her nose buried in the furry coat of her constant canine companion. The rest of her time is spent telling her stable of subs what they can do for her.