I’ve been reticent to write about findom, although I’ve wanted to address it for a long time.
I do not practice findom in the sense of having a submissive give me money for my rent or household expenses. My reasons for this are simply because it doesn’t feel right for me. However, I do not wish to judge those who do practice it on an ethical level. I was raised in an old-fashioned household where the man went to work all day and the woman stayed home and raised the children. I hated that outdated paradigm. It felt fundamentally wrong to me. From an early age I knew I never wanted to be financially dependent on anyone. I would earn my own way and I have.
One example of a findom relationship that works: I have a friend (not kinky or in a D/s relationship) who decided she did want a man to support her and she went on a transparent dating website. She found a doctor who wanted to give her money for dating him and for awhile it worked. What made it work, in my opinion, was the transparency. She told him up front that she needed financial help. She explained she wasn’t going to exchange sex for money but she was hoping to receive money for her time. They dated for a few months, during which time he happily paid her rent and more. She was attracted to him and they even tried a physical relationship which worked for awhile until it didn’t. But what stands out for me again, is the transparency. Both people understood their roles. They both said up front what they wanted and what they didn’t.
One example of a findom relationship that didn’t work: I know of another story, this one D/s where the sub desperately wanted to please his Mistress. They were in a long distance relationship and one of the ways he felt he could contribute was financially. This was his choice and it pleased both parties. However, the Mistress found out that the sub was giving her money he couldn’t afford to give. He was so enamored by her and wanted to please her so much that he ended up going into debt in order to do so. I’ve actually heard of this happening several times. This is one example of findom not working because of a submissive’s lack of transparency.
My update: I have a submissive sissy. We've been together off and on for twenty years. We're very good friends. He loves findom, it gets him off and he can afford it. When we first explored it together, 18 months ago, it didn't do anything for me. Recently we explored it again and it was really great for both of us. He bought me a hot fetish outfit that I'll wear for another submissive and tell him all about it. We spent several hours exploring our fantasies and past scenes that we had together, twenty years ago. And I loved it. I never thought I would but this particular person has taught me so much about myself. He encourages me to grow in ways I never thought I could, all while remaining completely submissive to me. So while I do not consider myself a FinDom, it works with him. I also realized that in order for it to work for me, I have to know and trust the submissive implicitly, which leads back to the need for transparency.
The worst example of bad findom: This one pisses me off the most. It’s is when the Top is not transparent. I have a sub who dated a Domme that was looking for a sugar daddy. Instead of communicating her desires up front, as any responsible Dominant (male or Female) should do, this woman was dishonest. She asked the sub out on a date. He suggested coffee. She suggested dinner. He agreed and, being submissive, let her pick the restaurant. She picked the most expensive restaurant in her county, without asking him if he felt comfortable with it, or discussing who would pay. She led him on. She used him. She played him. The poor submissive showed up and when the Mistress asked him if he drank, he said no. She then proceeded to order several of the most expensive drinks on the menu. After the dinner was over she expected him to pay. She did not ask him to pay, it was expected. There was zero communication around this. She even ordered another drink, on his tab, as they were leaving. This is despicable. I cannot think of many things that are more disrespectful than this. The poor sub didn’t know what hit him. He was upset over the interaction but he didn’t understand that she was using him, until I explained it. I spoke to several Domme’s and Mistresses about it and all of them were shocked by this woman’s behavior.
This is findom at its worst. This is flat out using someone. It’s taking advantage of a submissive’s good nature and it’s disgusting.
So don’t be a sub that spends money they don’t have and don’t you dare be a Top that spends other people’s money without their prior consent!
My primary and I recently took our first trip together (to Mexico) and it was amazing. I consider myself an easy traveler but I have found that relationships can be put to the test with travel. I'm happy to report that he passed with flying colors (especially the color red - on his ass 😈).
When traveling, one has to be in vanilla mode in public but just because we appear vanilla, it doesn't mean that we are. He is often in a chastity cage under his clothes and more often than not, he's wearing a lacy thong or satin panties. I love it when he does this for two reasons. I love a sissy man in lingerie, it turns me on but more than that is his distress over being caught. That turns me on even more!
His suitcase was much larger than mine because it was full of toys. Of course, customs went through it all and left behind the proof but unfortunately, they didn't open it in front of him. An aside: I had that happen once when I had a carry-on. The TSA agent opened my bag and pulled out skeins of rope. She cocked her head at me and I shrugged and said "rock climbing". Had she delved even one layer further, she would have found my strap on. 😂
I may be a pampered Mistress but I pride myself on being low maintenance and this comes out mostly when I'm traveling. Last year I spent six weeks traveling through four European countries by myself with nothing more than a carry on. It's my happy place. On this trip I brought only my favorite small impact play impliment. As mentioned in my last post, I don't need much to initiate play. I have my fingernails and my teeth and I use them often, gleefully marking my territory.
We did stop in a leather store looking for some sandals for my primary and I found a six foot whip. Never having used one before I grabbed it and tried. The people working in the store snickered. I handed it to one of them and he was able to crack it over and over. He handed it back and I attempted but failed. My primary began taking photos and I stretched out and cracked him in the ass with it. Motivation. The people working shrieked in delight and immediately started talking to each other in Spanish. After haggling a fair price, I practiced with the whip in our hotel room and by the time we left Mexico I was able to crack it nicely.
Our trip was so fantastic that we've booked another one in May. Traveling in a D/s relationship is rewarding in so many ways. It gave us the one-on-one time we needed together to cement our connection. We got to know one another on a deeper level. He was able to show me just how much I matter to him and I was able to show him just how much I love marking him as MINE.
~ Rain Star
Sometimes a Domme has to improvise. I confess that I rarely set up scenes anymore. This leaves the improvisation free to grow and morph in some lovely ways.
Sometimes I look in my goodie-bag AKA toy-bag and pick out something I feel like using. Other times I let my submissives do that with the understanding that I may or may not use what they pick.
I’ve been having fun with it, a lot of fun. I’m also learning that I may not be a typical Mistress. I don’t do things “by the book”. I’m not overly serious. This will be a future blog post.
Getting to the fun of it. One of my favorite nights was when I brought a roll of saran wrap to MYslut’s house.
A close friend of mine had told how much fun she was having with saran wrap combined with impact play, especially on her breasts.
I wrapped him in saran wrap from groin to shoulders and poked several holes. 2 for his nipples and 1 for his dick, which I yanked through. He was wearing a rubber cockring.
I went through his play-drawer and found nipple clamps which I attached gleefully. After pulling, tweaking and sensitizing them with the clamps I spun him around and kicked him, face down onto the bed. He yelped quite loudly, which he rarely does and I checked in with him. The force of his fall had felt like his nipples were being torn off. They weren't. But it hurt. A lot. He couldn’t put his hands out to slow himself down, nor bend backwards from his knees—the wrong way. I double checked to make sure nothing was amiss or missing, chuckled at his pain and continued on with his delicious torture. Impact play on his back and ass with a slapper and a riding crop.
When I flipped him over his fingers were bloody but his arms were still bound. I asked him why and he shrugged, trying his best to look innocent.
“Have you been touching yourself?” I narrowed my eyes, examining his cock and the ring.
His eyes widened and he nodded, sucking in a bottom lip.
He’d managed to work his hands underneath himself, between his legs and had played with himself. The rubber ring had left a few tiny abrasions. I had not explicitly told him not to but it was implied. Instead of punishing him further I decided a bleeding dick and the nipple torture was adequate.
The next day his nipples still hurt, but that just made me happier since it meant I was on his mind all day long and he was still suffering for ME.
Not long ago I was visiting a submissive and didn’t have my toy-bag. I’m good on the go, no matter what. I have my nails and my teeth, which I use quite often. I can’t help myself :)
This person likes CBT and so do I. I’d tied him up before and wanted to do it again but there was nothing usable around so I removed my long necklace (that winds around my neck 3 times) and I used that. It was incredible. It worked perfectly though it did take his balls a full day to stop aching, something he explained happens to him regularly. I did not leave it on too long and checked their temperature regularly. If they get too cold, all torture devices must be removed pronto. No-one wants permanent damage in that area.
With MYslut I have taken to using whatever is at hand for CBT. Last week I used the tie to a dress I was wearing. The next night I used the lace thong he was wearing. That was delicious fun as he was humiliated and suffering! It reminded me of the playground “wedgie”, which I tried to bring back that night.
I’ve seen BDSM jewelry that looks like regular jewelry. Like nipple clamp earrings and while I love the idea of this, I find it easier to use my fingers, fingernails and teeth. They get the job done, I always have them with me and it’s much more intimate.
I’d love to hear if anyone else has any ideas or items that they use (or like to have used on them) in a pinch ;)
Warning: If you’re new to BDSM don’t go full throttle at the beginning. Study, learn, take classes, talk to others in the lifestyle. Always get verbal consent prior to doing anything to anyone. Don’t cover someone’s face in saran wrap, they have to breathe. Don’t tear anyone’s nipples, or other body parts off. Don’t permanently damage anyone’s body parts. Don’t do anything stupid.
When I found my very first submissive (online) I didn’t identify as a Top or Mistress yet. What drew me to him were his alternate looks. In the first several photos he wore a suit. In another, a collar and in a third, make-up and a collar. What struck me was that I could bring him home to meet the family who would think he was conservative like them. But underneath it all, he was like me, alternative and fun.
One topic I come back to, over and over and over again is: who knows the real you? And by “you” I mean you, me, us, anyone.
We all have many different sides, many different passions. This particular submissive, sissybitch, feels that unless someone knows a specific number of things about him, they don’t fully know him. One of those things is his propensity for kink, being submissive and most importantly, his need to fully inhabit his female persona. Thus, he feels that his parents don’t truly know him and neither do most of his friends.
I, like you, and everyone else on this planet, have many sides. I have many different passions, beliefs and even personas. I have my work persona. My Mistress persona. I have my performer persona. My artistic persona. My dog mom persona. My author persona. I am one way with acquaintances and another way with my friends. I am very different with my kinky friends and most people will never meet my sadistic Mistress self. I have a traveling self and a sober alcoholic self. There are key things in my life, things I do every single day, things that define me as a person, that my parents will never know about me. But I do not believe that this means my parents or my friends don’t truly know me though some do not.
My own definition of self is defined by two things. The one-word core of who I am, my go-to emotion. And my qualities. Morals play into this a bit too but that gets stickier so I’ll focus on the first two.
My go-to emotion is excitement. I get excited over the smallest things, every single day. I may not jump up and down or even express it in words but I feel it inside. It’s a welling up of joy that permeates everything I do whether that event is merely writing a blog post, going to see a theater production, traveling to some distant place, meeting a friend or whipping a submissive. The qualities I believe in and embody are: optimism, freedom and compassion.
Anyone who takes the time to get to know me, knows these things about me. I don’t say them, they’re who I am. And if someone sees the real me, the true me, they see all of these things. What I do, that people in my life don’t know about, is not what defines me.
I’m not saying it’s this way for everyone or that everyone should believe this. What’s true for me, for example, is not true for sissybitch. He believes that people need to know certain things about him and his life to know the real him, and that’s fantastic.
I find this topic fascinating and will keep asking others how they feel about this subject. Always learning.
Thank you for reading!
I was reading an article in the Atlantic last night about whether or not males and females could be platonic friends. This topic has incensed me for as long as I can remember and not only because it doesn't take non-binary gender identification into account but that is one aspect.
I've always had male friends. My best friend in 1st grade was a boy. My best friend now is a man. And no, I never fucked (or even kissed) my 1st grade BFF though I have fucked my current BFF but it was 15 years ago and we've been friends since without fucking!
When I was a teen my father told me that any guy who wanted to be my friend only wanted to fuck me. He told me that men are only interested in one thing and that any man who says he wants to be platonic friends with me is lying. Thankfully, even at that age, I knew my dad was an asshole and I didn't listen to him! But it stuck with me because I believe a lot of people think this way and I have a huge issue with it.
1. Who cares if the guy (or other) is in it for sex? That doesn't mean anyone (male or female or other) has to put out.
2. There are so many levels of attraction and intimacy - sex is but one.
My last "boyfriend", a disaster LTR from the get-go, was supremely jealous of my male BFF and all my other male friends. He was insecure and distrustful and every time I spent time with my BFF my ex would text incessantly and then pick huge fights with me. In the end I realized that men like him (and my father) are the exact men my father warned me about. It's not that all men want to fuck all women, it's that my dad and my ex-bf wanted to fuck all the women they were "friends" with. It was THEIR issue.
Obviously if someone I'm with is jealous of my male (or agender) friends, that's a huge red flag and not something I will ever put up with again. But can male and females be platonic friends without fucking? OF COURSE WE CAN!!!!! What a ridiculous question!!!!!
The Atlantic article uses movies as one example of how "difficult" it is, siting all the friends to lovers movies. That's because FTL is a TROPE!!!! It doesn't mean it's real life!!! Does it happen in RL, of course it does but both parties have to be invested in that outcome, attracted to each other and have a slew of other predilections.
All of that said (or preached) -- I freely admit that my BFF and I can be so close because we already fucked and got it out of the way. We knew we weren't good together - this has nothing to do with the actual sex and all to do with us as people. We tried, we failed. We are such fantastic friends that I'd never want to do anything to compromise that again and in my experience, sex compromises things. Plus he's not submissive - LOL. But he listens without judgment when I talk about anything and everything. He's the one I call at midnight when my dog is sick. He's the one I turn to when I'm sad and need a shoulder to sniffle on. He's everything a BFF should be and our relationship is 100% platonic.
He's not the only platonic male friend I have either. I have many (that I've never fucked) and they're all amazing, just as my platonic female friends are. Which brings me to another point. I'm pansexual but I don't fuck my platonic female, trans or non-binary friends either!
Thinking that m/f/o can't be "friends only" is disrespectful. The idea that we can't have friends we don't fuck is saying that no one has boundaries, no one can say no to sex, no one has morals, no one can control themselves. So go make friends with other genders and if anyone in your life has a problem with that, know it's their problem, not yours.
This is a blog post about what vanilla women think about submissives vs the truth.
I have found that most submissive's are quite chivalrous. One of my favorite Mistresses, Scarlet, has a great blog post called “Ladies - adopt the lifestyle” in which she explains that submissive men are not doormats. I completely agree and below is a real life example from last night.
When I talk to my vanilla female friends about dating submissive men, they all say the same thing. A submissive man could never make them feel safe. A submissive man could never protect them. A submissive man could never be an alpha. They could never be attracted to a submissive man could because they don't possess all of the qualities these women associate an alpha man of their fantasies. A man that doesn’t exist, in my opinion. These women have never dated a submissive. If they had, they would know that there ideals are poppycock. Their perceptions are unrealistic and false.
A submissive man does protect his partner. He protects her, keeps her safe, puts her needs first, and he serves her. A submissive man may very well look like an alpha in public. A doting, thoughtful alpha.
Here’s My real life example from last night…
I attended a circus show with a submissive I am currently dating. For the purposes of this blog, I’ll refer to him as My sissy slut, slut for short.
As a gentleman, slut opens doors for me, including the car door. He holds my bags, he lets me lead, he makes me dinner, he does the dishes, he dries me after my showers, he even wears my favorite colors. He is thoughtful and kind. While all of these qualities are to be expected, not everyone inhabits them, and I appreciate them for what they are, and for the effort he makes on my behalf.
At the circus show last night, the stage was smallish. Slut and I sat front row center. One of the acts was a performer on the Cyr wheel. If you want to see what that is, click here.
The wheel is large, metal, and quite intimidating. Early in the performance he dropped the wheel, picked it up and kept going. No harm, no foul. It happened again. The audience clapped for support. The performer was quite good but the stage was too small. He moved his wheel closer to the back of the stage, but during a fancy move, it caught on the backdrop, almost bringing the entire thing crashing down. He tore off bits of the hanging tinsel and eventually straightened the wheel and returned to his act. His compensation was to move the wheel closer to the edge of the stage, where the audience and I were. During parts of his performance he was riding the center of the wheel, twisting and turning as it spun. And at other parts he let go of the wheel where it traveled in a lazy circle around him until he reached out and caught it again.
After he moved closer to the front of the stage he let go of his wheel for a boomerang circle and it came precariously close to the edge. I exchanged furtive glances with the girl across the aisle, and we both placed our hands upon our hearts in a compensatory gesture. I leaned to the side and whispered in slut’s ear, "you will protect me, won't you?"
He whispered back, "I've got you.”
The moment did happen… The performer let go of the wheel, it spun, almost in slow motion around him and then it catapulted itself off the stage, and straight for our heads. In a split second, slut was on his feet, catching the huge wheel in mid-air and handing it back to the performer as though it was a rehearsed part of the show.
When he returned to his seat I whispered, “you’re My hero.”
At the end of the show the performer came and thanked him, and so did the stage manager. Slut saved, not only me, but the entire front row from what could have been a harrowing and dangerous disaster.
This is just one example of how a submissive male is even more of a fierce protector of his mate’s safety!
And yes, his chivalry was well rewarded.
~ Rain Star
I find ghosting a very interesting topic. Years ago my therapist said “no answer IS an answer” and I definitely agree. We had (and continue to have) conversations about people’s comfort levels when it comes to honesty and conflict. Many people are conflict averse and I understand that. As a woman who grew up in an unsafe environment, conflict was to be avoided at all costs. At a young age I was taught (through action) that conflict caused severe pain, often physical and often left scars that lasted a lifetime. Conflict is also emotionally jarring and most people don’t like to experience discomfort.
I used to tell people how I felt (in a way that wasn’t attacking) when I no longer wanted to speak to them and I assume most people have tried this tactic as well. Unfortunately it was often met with defensiveness and lashing out. Rarely did the person say, “I understand, your experiences are valid and I wish you the best.”
At this point in my life I mostly reserve ghosting for people I’ve never met in person. Usually it’s someone I’ve spoken to only over text. They’ll say something or present with a personality trait that is a show stopper for me. Nine times out of ten I’ll tell them I’m no longer interested, they’ll continue to contact me and I’ll ghost them. Most of the time I do give fair warning first but not always. In one case a person told me they no longer wanted to see me and then contacted me a month or two later and I didn’t respond because really, what was there to say?
Recently someone I had several dates with ghosted me and it really irked me, which is why I’m blogging about it. I thought things were progressing. I contemplated the D/s contract I would offer him, but there was something amiss. I sensed it early on and even brought it to his attention. He asked me to give him a chance. I did and then I was ghosted. I think the ghosting in itself wouldn’t be that big of a deal if this wasn’t the 3rd submissive that’s done something similar to me in less than a year.
Here I have to back up and intend to write another blog about this subject but I’ll touch on it here as it’s important to the story.
I’m not looking for any more play partners, I have plenty. What I am looking for is a submissive LTR to be my primary. I’m up front with my wants and desires. When I date/interview new subs for this position I don’t offer intimacy or play. I prefer to get to know someone first. For play partners it’s different.
I always tell potential LTR subs that I move slowly, because I do. Part of it is definitely a test. If they’re only looking for sex or sexual satisfaction, they can move on. I’m looking for a deeper connection to fulfill this role. Plus, I’m picky and intolerant of bullsh*t. When I started this particular journey last January 2019, there were several subs that were only looking for sex because as soon as I removed that from the table, they were gone.
A more recent one stated he understood my requirements and also moved slowly. We went on several dates and then he was gone. On the last date he told me about his propensity to ghost women he didn’t want to be with and, on retrospect, I realize he was setting me up. But NO. No, no, no, no! I don’t care how uncomfortable conflict is for you. Grow some f*cking ovaries and tell the Dominant woman that it’s not working for you and you’re moving on. Otherwise you’re a bad submissive IMO, you’ve just disrespected a woman! A Dominant woman at that.
If you respect someone or claim to, you tell them. You don’t have to go into a story and should never hurl insults. All you have to say is “this isn’t working for me” — no reason is needed. By ghosting someone you’ve been on several dates with, you’re saying, “you mean so little to me (I think so little of you) that you’re not even worth the time it would take for me to say goodbye.”
For the person on the receiving end it truly feels like we’ve thrown out and discarded like rubbish.
So yes, ghosting is still an answer — this person ghosting me is still saying “I don’t want to see you again” but it’s not taking my feelings into consideration and that’s worse. It’s immature and hurtful and as a Dominant woman it makes me want to tie him to a chair and beat the crap out of him or leave him bound in a cage in full deprivation for several days. Too bad for him, that’ll never happen now.
~ Rain Star
During my past several months of interviewing potential subs I've heard countless stories of men and women who married vanilla hoping they could deny their true desires. Hell, I'm a real life example of this as well. I've been in several long term relationships but only a couple of them were D/s and less than a handful were kinky.
I think the first and most important aspect is to define who you are and what you want. What will you settle for and what won't you?
I have a friend with two lovely children and a husband who adores her but they're vanilla and mono and she wants to be kinky and open. We had a difficult conversation yesterday because she only has a few choices. She can tell her husband she wants to be open but she's tried this before and he was not on board. She can cheat but she says she doesn't want to do that and I personally advised against it. Or she can deny her desires and stay in her relationship. Her situation is made more complicated by a 3rd party who has professed his love for her and who she is extremely attracted to. She can't stop obsessing about this man. I told her that it's not the man, it's something bigger, a need she's not getting met in her life. She asked my advice and I told her to run the other way and cut off all contact with the new object of her obsession. But I doubt she will. I suspect she'll cheat and stay, feel guilty and then it will come out and she'll lose both men - her husband and her amor.
I use this as an example. Settling and compromising is not wrong. And timing is everything. She chose to marry a mono, vanilla man so she either has to let him go and pursue her own dreams and desires or wait until her kids are grown to do that. It's a common choice. The sub I'm currently seeing had to make the same one. He's now divorced with two kids that still live at home. But he's happier and I think kids sense that. If we're happier and more present and getting our needs met, so is our support group and our families.
The one thing that stands out is that it's never too late. It's never too late to become who you truly are, to settle into a new you, to try new things and to live your life to its fullest.
Most of us are not supported emotionally if we choose to come out as kinky and proud. But we can have both. We can have our cock and we can eat it too... or not.
~ Rain Star
I look at most relationships in the real world through the lens of D/s. This goes for couples who have never heard of D/s to people’s pets.
Before I embraced the lifestyle and my Dominant self, I was in a long-term marriage. One that was highly abusive and in retrospect a non-consensual D/s relationship. It took me years to unpack it all but when I finally did; I realized I was the submissive and my ex-husband was the Dominant except that I didn’t have a choice. Everything I did was criticized and torn apart. If I wasn’t earning money to support him, then I’d better be cleaning the house for him or getting him off sexually. He never cleaned the house, not once in 20 years. He hardly even showered (maybe once a week after two days of begging from me). He rarely contributed to the household finances. And he almost never got me off. I can count on two hands how many orgasms he gave me in the two decades we were together. Sad? Yes! Worse than sad, it was horrible. And yet I stayed, far too young to know better. Until I finally realized what was happening, and left.
This was my first backwards look into non-consensual D/s. But in reality I had known it all along. I’d grown up with it. My father was Dominant over me and my mother. He made me kneel or lay face down at his feet, while he pointed and laughed. He screamed at my mother but he kept the corporeal punishment for me and he loved it. A true sadist, in the sickest sense of the word. He would laugh gleefully as he beat me, naked, splayed over his lap, night after night after night.
In his third marriage and my mother’s third long term relationship, they’ve continued the pattern. My mother is the Dominant in her relationship and my father and his wife fight for Dominance in theirs. Both relationships are extremely abusive with each couple calling their significant other’s horrible names.
My mother often says to her boyfriend, “you’re such an idiot. You can’t do anything right. You’re a waste of space.” And so on.
My father and his wife put each other down incessantly. Both couples do it in public, seemingly unaware of how uncomfortable other people feel around their constant outbursts.
Staying unconscious is easier. It’s uglier, and it’s detrimental to all but it’s easier than taking responsibility for your own shit and consciously choosing a different way of life. Thus my sister carried the torch. She is Dominant over her husband, also in a highly abusive manner. Screaming at him and calling him “useless” on a regular basis. One time my mother tried to intervene and her husband said, “no, it’s fine. I don’t mind.”
It took me years to understand. My mother’s partner and my sister’s husband are submissive men. But they don’t know how to be in healthy submissive relationships so they both picked domineering, abusive women. Do I think they’re actually happy? Not at all. But I do think they’re getting some type of fulfillment and I also know that it’s all unconscious. They probably can’t even face the truth of who they really are, let alone seek out a healthy Dominant FLR.
I have another friend who is happily married, knows nothing of kink but has told me that her husband is happy to take a back seat to her and let her lead. She doesn’t yell at him or abuse him but they both know she’s in charge! I call this an unconscious D/s relationship and they can be healthy.
The other day I was speaking with a sub and mentioned that I think cats are Doms/Dommes and dogs are subs. Because I can lay this context over pretty much everything and it will fit. What other wonders will we discover?…
Last week someone said something that rubbed me the wrong way. This in itself isn't unusual, it happens to all of us, all the time. But this time, it stuck with me and thus, earned a blog post.
The conversation began about exercise. He made some comment about working out in relation to older *women. I commented on the fact that so many women in our county exercise regardless of age. His next comment was: "Yes, I've noticed how many women here keep in shape and I realized it was to keep their men from looking at other women."
I had to refrain myself from lunging at his throat. Especially when he turned to me said, "don't you agree." HELL NO I DO NOT AGREE and I told him so.
Why is it perceived by some men that everything a woman does is to look good for them?
I think my response was something like, "Are you f-ing kidding me? Why would any woman care if her man looked at other women? That's not a motivating factor for staying in shape. We do it because it makes US feel good. We don't do it for men!"
His comment was pejorative, and patronizing. It was assuming and ignorant. I know he's not a bad person but he's disgustingly misinformed. I can only assume he was projecting as well. Maybe he's had a woman he was dating, ogle another man and it made him feel "less then".
I can also surmise that each woman's reason for getting and staying fit may be different as well, but to assume that ALL women do it to please a man and keep his eyes from wandering is disgusting, untrue and highly offensive.
An aside about the wandering eye. Many dominant men have such an affliction. The better ones learn to control it. To be ogled by a man in public does not feel good, to most women. To be objectified is to be compartmentalized, slapped into the sex box and seen as an object whose only benefit is to sexually gratify a man. Most bisexual women, non-binary, trans and lesbians do not do this. So if a man's eye wanders IMO, it has absolutely nothing to do with the woman (or man) he's with. It wanders because he hasn't learned to control himself and respect a woman's space. It doesn't matter whether his girlfriend or wife is thin or not, young and gorgeous or not, rich and successful or not. A man with a wandering eye has little insight into himself or how he is perceived by others. I've seen men ogle others while adorned with a gorgeous women propped on their arm.
This "issue" is about the male's character, not about the female's fitness regime or lack thereof.
*women is the term I'm using for all people who identify as female.
Author: Rain Star
Mistress Rain began her writing career at a very early age. She's published almost a dozen novels (under a different pseudonym), has written for television and film and spends much of her time with her nose buried in the furry coat of her constant canine companion. The rest of her time is spent telling her stable of subs what they can do for her.